This is going to be somewhat a two-parter of a blog entry, and I wont lie, this could get messy. Well, enough with the blue balling, I'll get right to it.
Situation 1: Hypothetical (which means a real situation with names removed)
In some crazy cosmic coincidence, you (imagine yourself as a love drunk 25 year old male) end up painting your girlfriends toenails. I know, as disgusting as that might sound, it happened. You know it, she knows it, and now every one of her friends on facebook knows it because she posted a picture of you doing it. Now all her friends are commenting on it and, if you will allow me, I will share some of those comments. As always, names are removed to protect the author of the comment. Instead, I will replace their names with an attempt at a comical stereotype that will most likely be offensive.
Blonde twenty-something female posted; "OMG that is sooooo cute!"
Blonde pre-twenty-something female posted; "Wow, (generic boyfriend name) never paints MY toe nails, your BF is the best!"
Person who is disgusted by this blatant lack of manhood and feels a sociological obligation to put and end to the madness posted; ".... "
If you couldn't tell who the last poster was, it was me. Yes, shocking as it may seem. Silence seems to be my least used weapon when fighting the battle for men everywhere (another shocker, I know) but this time I felt my silent indignation towards this blasphemy to all men would be justified and people (read: women) will know that this shameful behaviour is simply not acceptable in Mandom. The madness did not end there...
Blonde female getting her toes painted in the picture posted; "Oh Josh, just wait till you are painting your girlfriend's toenails ;-)"
Annoying short blonde High school student posted; "haha if he ever gets one! Lol jusss playin!"
I'm going to be the bigger man here (and try not to critisize the lack of grammar for one thing) and let a couple of things that I have to say about these last two posts slide. Too bad that forgive/ignore sentiment only lasted for about 3 seconds. So those things I'm letting slide are being replaced with a couple gems I have come up with.
You will never EVER see me doing anything like painting my girlfriends toe nails. First of all, that disgusting, those are her feet. All you females out there might say something about being in love and doing anything for the love of your life blah blah blah but you know what? I have been in love. Yes, the cold, callus, rock hard heart I now possess was once less cold, callus and less rock hard. Think of it in terms of rock layers in the earth. It used to be like the topsoil, now its more like the granite that's a couple layers down, but enough of that poorly executed analogy. I'm simply not going to do it because there is something major that I have to consider. Its called the Man-card. That's right, the coveted Man-card. The man card is the proverbial membership that every man is a part of from the moment you are born. Its an understood, seldomly spoken of collaboration of all men world wide. One of self governace, honor and pride. Once you lose your man-card, you are never looked at the same way. Here as an example.
You are walking through the mall and you see some guy walking around, holding hands with his girlfriend. She is carrying nothing while he is carrying her purse. So you, being a fellow man, think "Well ok, maybe she needed to tie her shoe and he is just holding it for her". A perfectly reasonable explanation for the situation. Then you realize, wait a minute, they are just strolling along window shopping and going into the pottery barn and the like home decor businesses. Looking at rugs and nodding their heads like they are some experts on the Eastern-Mediterranean styling of this throw rug that they are about to purchase from a store somewhere in mid-suburbia USA.
Then it hits you. The purse is his! It was a Gift from her! The only thing you can utter from your trembling lips is "...m-m.. m-MANCARD!" You would be absolutely correct in your declaration or this mans' newly missing piece of man-proving critera. Purse guy has had his man-card taken from the lady that purchased him that purse. Oh sure, they will call it something else, "shoulder bag" or my favorite, "European-whatever-bag". OK like I have never seen a picture of cities in Europe/been to Europe and you want me to believe that all the guys over there have purses. Reality check - they don't, ok? I'm not an idiot. Make no mistake though, he could have preserved his man card. He could have not worn the purse and kept a wallet like every other guy out there but no, she took his man card the moment he donned that shiny black leather purse with the gold buckle on the front.
There isn't much lost in translation if you apply that to painting toe nails that happen to be your girlfriends. I would like to take a moment to ponder this in writing. If he (said toe nail painter) were, oh I don't know, painting his own toe nails, he would just be really weird but wouldn't lose his man card over it. The fact that is in the picture, he was on all fours, hunched over with a little bottle of purple polish, and the little brush, painting a toe nail while she was sitting on a chair above him destroys any pride he should have left as a man. Not only are you completely devoid of any dignity you might have had left, but this action now shreds your man card into tiny man-card pieces.
Well i hope we can all learn a valuable lesson from this. Man-cards are irreplaceable (unless you can pull off something freaking huge, like wrestling a bull and winning or catching a bullet in your bare hands or something) and if you are going to do something that you know you will lose your man-card over, at least make sure no one is taking pictures of it.
