I'm bored so I'm going to write a bit. I hope you all are doing well. I have been doing pretty good, I started going to the gym again and playing a lot of Sand volleyball too. I have reconnected with a lot of my old v-ball friends which is is awesome. I forgot how much I missed a lot of these guys when I moved to Chandler. I started a new job on May 3rd and I am starting to learn a lot about myself with this new job.
I am finally learning that I need to find a creative outlet and make money with it. I hate.. HATE being on a phone for work. Everyone said that they were proud of me for finding a good job and I was really relieved to find a place that is going to pay me well and give me benefits and all that. Don't get me wrong, I like all of that stuff, but I have had this desire for about 3-4 months to start writing comedy and trying to do stand up. I have a running list of things that I think are funny and am going to try and start writing a bit and working out how I want it to sound. I find myself thinking about it everyday and wanting it more and more. Some people want a family and kids and that "American Dream" life. Some people want to smoke crack and be junkies. I want to be a comic. I want to be myself for a change. I hate feeling like I cant say what I want to say because I'm afraid of hurting peoples feelings. I feel like this is an outlet where I can be 100% me. Sure people will criticize you or not like you or whatever but that is life, you cant be liked by everyone and I think trying to become a comic is not only my dream but a lesson for me to come out of my shell and just be myself. I was never allowed to be myself as a teen and I think I have finally found my voice.
However, in the never ending quest to destroy my own happiness, i come up with reasons why I can't do what it is that I want to do. So I tell myself "I need to pay off all this debt before I can do anything". "I cant go back to school because I cant afford more debt right now". I don't know if those things I say to myself are wisdom, or carefully disguised self miss-guiding statements. Sometimes I wonder If I should just go for it and throw caution to the wind or be cautious and plan out the order of events and how I want them to happen. I feel really venerable right now in terms of my financial state so taking a risk is just not something I want to do right now. Not that I would quit my job or anything but I think we all know that being a comedian/show business is anything but stable. I suppose that is something that just comes with the territory and getting used to that will be another place for growth for me.
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I would like to change topics for a moment and reflect on some more personal things that have been on my mind lately. Mostly bad things have been occurring lately and I'm not sure if this is some test to see how I handle these things or if its just a bad run. My band just found out that our Ex-Drummer (who controlled the iTunes account) was pocketing all the money from our online music sales. Initially this made me very angry due to the fact that the band has no money to begin with. He was making $100 to $200 withdrawls on a semi regular basis. This is the same drummer who sold his Drum kit without telling us. The same kit that the band paid $800 out of $2000 for it. As you can tell, this is a frustrating situation. Right now I'm over being mad at him and floating somewhere between forgiveness and holding a grudge. I'm troubled because I want to forgive him but I find myself still not wanting to return his text messages and wanting to just not be around him in general. I'm trying to not hold a grudge and I cant tell if this current set of behavior from me is because I'm still mad at him or because I'm holding it against him. I fell like I should mention that I went to church with this guy for like 5 years and he claims to love Jesus, therefor I hold him to a higher standard as I do myself. I think that's why this has cut me so deep. In the end he was/is a liar and a thief. I don't know, I just want to forgive him but I also never want to see his face again. This all happened about 4 days ago so maybe its still a little too fresh in my mind.
Hope everyone is well. As Always, trying to be more disciplined with my schedule of posting updates, but who am I kidding.
<3
