Humans are funny, and by funny I mean complex, layered and ultimately confusing. I had two really good talks with my roommate this weekend about how our lives are going and how we want certain things to be fixed within ourselves. Our methods differ so much in dealing with a lot of our challenges that I was having a hard time understanding his logic. I was taking his situations and applying them in my own brain and how I would deal with them. Needless to say, I was confused by a lot of his decisions and what I had to end up doing is removing myself from the equation and see it from his point of view to understand what was going on. I had to remove myself. How often do we ever consider ourselves the problem? For me, that's very seldom but that's also because I'm selfish and fickle to admit that I'm wrong. I think people like to martyr themselves and say things like that but I actually mean that I have a hard time admitting when I'm wrong unless its like something about math or whatever. Who cares about math anyway. Its really amazing to have someone to talk to who is in a similar place and bounce ideas off each other when things are going well and not so well. In terms of mental health, It always feels good to get that crap out and maybe have someone who is objective tell you when you are being a retard or when you did the right thing. I feel like the other part of this that people may not get all the time is that it needs to be a 2 way road. If you need to talk, then you need to be there to listen as well. I don't think there is such a thing as a Take only relationship and there is no way this works unless your paying the other person. In which case, tell your therapist hello for me.
This weekend was really cool, besides working both Saturday and Sunday, for a couple reasons. The Friday night draw I play in nearly every week went really well and my team ended up winning the championship for the week. I personally had a bad night playing and I was lifted up by my teammates and we overcame a very large hole to win. This was a new experience for me because I am the one lifting people up usually. All through high school and up until now I have always been the vocal leader who picks people up when they are down and plays by example, a leader and one who encourages. So when I was the one who is down, I became used to staying there with no help, but Friday night was different. I rose above the circumstance, with the help of my team, and we went on to win the evening and it was really uplifting to me to know that these people I play volleyball with 2-3 times a week are now becoming friends, not just people I know. As if that weren't enough, a group of about 10 of us when and crashed the local Denny's at like 12:30am (which I'm sure the employees there loved) and had some dinner and chatted for a while. If there was any shadow of a doubt in my mind that this is were I wanted to be at almost 1am after playing sand ball for almost 3 hours, it was eliminated in that instant. Forming relationships and making friends like that is something that I have been missing since I moved out here and I look forward to what the future holds for me.
The other really exciting thing going on is that I am scheduled to start the outlines for my Tattoo sleeve on Saturday the 14th. This is the culmination of four years of thought and prayer of if I should, and if I did, what should it be of. I considered all angles, biblical and secular, recreational and professional, personal and public and I can honestly say that I haven't wanted them more than right now. The contents that my arm will house is something that I struggled with for a long time and until I sought the advice of my siblings, was very lost on. There is one exception to that last sentence. Taylor. She was ...difficult. While being poked and prodded for ideas, being goaded into being creative and thinking of a symbol that represented her, she nearly out right refused. So I was forced to take something from a tweet of hers and hack at it until it fit the scheme of the whole thing right. Taylor, I love you, but OMG you were a pain in this process.
I was given advice from a lot of people that I shouldn't do it and that its permanent and will be on my arm forever, and I appreciate that feed back because it's absolutely right. It's there forever. And at a certain point I realized that what I want forever are my Brothers and Sisters and Jesus. And so I decided that that is what I will wear on my arms. Forever.
Peace.
5.09.2011
4.03.2011
The Birth and Death of a Day.
I am going to write. Instead of being mad that I had to work late tonight, I am going to write. Instead of being upset and scared that I am squinting a lot more often to see things, I am going to write. Instead of being mad at my dad and all the things that he represents in my life, and what that has done to me, I am going to write. Instead of being unable, after 26 years, to form coherent thoughts in regards to my own emotions, and having that inability drive me to lash out and take it out on other people, I am going to write. Instead of being mad at God, I am going to write. Instead of being so damn tired that I cant summon the energy necessary to walk 5 feet to my bed after working 3 straight 60 hour weeks, I am going to write. Instead of laying in bed for an hour because my head is telling me what it wants and my heart is telling me what it wants and me trying to be the mediator, I'm going to use this as the mediator. Instead of being mad that no one seems to understand me, including myself, I am going to... I don't know actually. Instead of feeling betrayed because no girl or woman in this city seems to have any sense of dignity or self worth, I am going to say step off ho'. Instead of trying to fit everyone else's schedule, I'm going to fit mine. Instead of sugarcoating things, I'm going to be honest (not that I'm not but the word abrasive has been used when describing me so take that as it is). In stead of watching Netflix and Adult Swim all the time, I am going to write. Instead of thinking about being on that stage, I am going to get on that stage. Instead of dreaming about the ink on my arm, I'm going to get it. Instead of only living the life I want in my head, I'm going to live the life I want. And I could give a damn what you think anymore. This is what it is to be alone. I am it. No one is going to do it for me.
11.28.2010
You Gotta Spend Some Time, Love..
This is a doosie. Buckle in.
For Thanksgiving this year, my family and I decided that the usual Arizona 85 degree Thanksgiving was not for us. We wanted to go home. There were a couple reasons, other than just the holiday, that we made the 585 mile trek across the desert, through L.A. and back to the warm embrace of a marine layer and a mild poo/manure stench. One reason being that we had not seen most of our extended family for a major holiday in about 5 years and it was time to get in some R-and-R and catch up with the Aunts/Uncles/Friends/Cousins who are taller than me now (jerks). Another being that my Grandfather, who was a World War II B-17 bomber Pilot in Africa for 4 years, is finally flirting with the 90's in age and we know that he is a precious commodity in short supply. With the sum of these things being greater than the cost we decided Thanksgiving this year would be done Los Osos style.
Anyone who knows me and reads this blog knows that I may tend to say things that are on my mind and that I feel what I feel. What I feel is put down here so that, even if no one reads this, I can. I can read this and remember the lessons that life teaches you and I can remember my joy, my pain, and I can identify for myself what mistakes I have made in my life and learn from them. I have not been blogging lately because I have been to afraid to make mistakes. I have been too afraid to live my life and live it with that passion that I once did. I was afraid to hurt myself again. I was too afraid to take a chance and be human. I had "turned myself off" to anything that I felt. So for 3 months I decided to become a human Popsicle (grape, in case you were wondering) and feel nothing for or from anyone. With that being said..
I arrived in Los Osos at 4:30am local time after a nearly 11 hour drive that included the first 30 miles taking 3 hours, me hallucinating from exhaustion and seeing UFO's, and my brother falling asleep about mile 200 when he was supposed to keep me awake. Thanks bro. Regardless we arrived in one piece and settled into my uncles RV to get some rest. I awoke about 5 hours later still being used to Arizona time and was unable to fall back asleep so I decided to just get up and grunt hello to my family as I headed to the bathroom. Morning greetings are merely a formality with my family if said person in not awake so for the most part, the family and relatives know to kind of leave me alone before my shower. As soon as I finished cleaning the road off me and waking up, the hugs were plentiful as were the smiles, jokes about my beard and breakfast. One thing to note, my family plus food equals an immediate bonding moment even if it is a muffin or bowl of cereal.
But it wasn't the food this time for me. It wasn't the hugs, the bonfires, the Horse-shoes games, or the football. It was the people. It was my Jolly-Green Giant cousins being almost men and having more maturity than I think I'll ever have. It was my grandmother who couldn't remember who I was, breaking my heart while shaking my hand saying "Nice to meet you". It was my Uncle, who resembles a bear this time of year (not unlike yours truly), making me feel like I could do something and be proud of it. He made me feel like I could do anything by just having me hang a dartboard and some lights in his garage. For 3 months, I had been living in my own world and in my own hole in the ground, just kind of waiting for someone to fill it up. I wasn't sure if I wanted a family of my own in this life. I wasn't sure if I wanted to get married and have kids because of all the hardship that can be. I mean, I actually smiled for pictures on this vacation, Big shit eating grins with food in my mouth and all. I cant remember that last time I did that. It took a 6'2" loud, hairy, Budweiser drinking, Bar-b-queing, hard working, shit pumping man (literally, look up Al's Pumping Service) to give me my pride back. It took me hanging lights in his garage so we could play darts that night to give me my sense of self-worth back, which is something I had lost along time ago. This Thanksgiving, it was more than a vacation or a get together for me. I was revitalized. I was given something that I had lost along time ago and this time I do not intend to handle it so lightly. I realized why we make the sacrifices for our family that we do and why moments like the multiple I had this weekend are so rare and so important. My family is part of who I am. I had lost who I was and they gave that back to me. I now realize why people start families and why so much pride is taken when we talk about our families. Its because they are us, and always will be us.
I'm not afraid anymore. I was afraid of making a mistake and making myself look bad or stupid or whatever and in the process I learned what it was like to live with regret. I learned what it feels like to live and think "what if" or "maybe" about people and things in my life and I hate that I let life do that to me. I have thought "what if" for 10 years and it felt like a long time until it was gone. Whats funny is that after 10 years emotions can change and most of the time they do. But those special ones, those almost untouchable ones for your kids or spouse or Uncle/Bear hybrid stay the same. I experienced both of those situations this weekend and I have no intention on waiting another 10 years to say something about the ones that have stayed the same.
What does the future hold for me? I don't know. Last weekend I could have probably thrown a guess out there that I thought would be right and it probably involved me being alone by choice. But now? After this weekend, I don't know. But I know who I want there, and I don't intend to let them just walk away like they did all those years ago.
For Thanksgiving this year, my family and I decided that the usual Arizona 85 degree Thanksgiving was not for us. We wanted to go home. There were a couple reasons, other than just the holiday, that we made the 585 mile trek across the desert, through L.A. and back to the warm embrace of a marine layer and a mild poo/manure stench. One reason being that we had not seen most of our extended family for a major holiday in about 5 years and it was time to get in some R-and-R and catch up with the Aunts/Uncles/Friends/Cousins who are taller than me now (jerks). Another being that my Grandfather, who was a World War II B-17 bomber Pilot in Africa for 4 years, is finally flirting with the 90's in age and we know that he is a precious commodity in short supply. With the sum of these things being greater than the cost we decided Thanksgiving this year would be done Los Osos style.
Anyone who knows me and reads this blog knows that I may tend to say things that are on my mind and that I feel what I feel. What I feel is put down here so that, even if no one reads this, I can. I can read this and remember the lessons that life teaches you and I can remember my joy, my pain, and I can identify for myself what mistakes I have made in my life and learn from them. I have not been blogging lately because I have been to afraid to make mistakes. I have been too afraid to live my life and live it with that passion that I once did. I was afraid to hurt myself again. I was too afraid to take a chance and be human. I had "turned myself off" to anything that I felt. So for 3 months I decided to become a human Popsicle (grape, in case you were wondering) and feel nothing for or from anyone. With that being said..
I arrived in Los Osos at 4:30am local time after a nearly 11 hour drive that included the first 30 miles taking 3 hours, me hallucinating from exhaustion and seeing UFO's, and my brother falling asleep about mile 200 when he was supposed to keep me awake. Thanks bro. Regardless we arrived in one piece and settled into my uncles RV to get some rest. I awoke about 5 hours later still being used to Arizona time and was unable to fall back asleep so I decided to just get up and grunt hello to my family as I headed to the bathroom. Morning greetings are merely a formality with my family if said person in not awake so for the most part, the family and relatives know to kind of leave me alone before my shower. As soon as I finished cleaning the road off me and waking up, the hugs were plentiful as were the smiles, jokes about my beard and breakfast. One thing to note, my family plus food equals an immediate bonding moment even if it is a muffin or bowl of cereal.
But it wasn't the food this time for me. It wasn't the hugs, the bonfires, the Horse-shoes games, or the football. It was the people. It was my Jolly-Green Giant cousins being almost men and having more maturity than I think I'll ever have. It was my grandmother who couldn't remember who I was, breaking my heart while shaking my hand saying "Nice to meet you". It was my Uncle, who resembles a bear this time of year (not unlike yours truly), making me feel like I could do something and be proud of it. He made me feel like I could do anything by just having me hang a dartboard and some lights in his garage. For 3 months, I had been living in my own world and in my own hole in the ground, just kind of waiting for someone to fill it up. I wasn't sure if I wanted a family of my own in this life. I wasn't sure if I wanted to get married and have kids because of all the hardship that can be. I mean, I actually smiled for pictures on this vacation, Big shit eating grins with food in my mouth and all. I cant remember that last time I did that. It took a 6'2" loud, hairy, Budweiser drinking, Bar-b-queing, hard working, shit pumping man (literally, look up Al's Pumping Service) to give me my pride back. It took me hanging lights in his garage so we could play darts that night to give me my sense of self-worth back, which is something I had lost along time ago. This Thanksgiving, it was more than a vacation or a get together for me. I was revitalized. I was given something that I had lost along time ago and this time I do not intend to handle it so lightly. I realized why we make the sacrifices for our family that we do and why moments like the multiple I had this weekend are so rare and so important. My family is part of who I am. I had lost who I was and they gave that back to me. I now realize why people start families and why so much pride is taken when we talk about our families. Its because they are us, and always will be us.
I'm not afraid anymore. I was afraid of making a mistake and making myself look bad or stupid or whatever and in the process I learned what it was like to live with regret. I learned what it feels like to live and think "what if" or "maybe" about people and things in my life and I hate that I let life do that to me. I have thought "what if" for 10 years and it felt like a long time until it was gone. Whats funny is that after 10 years emotions can change and most of the time they do. But those special ones, those almost untouchable ones for your kids or spouse or Uncle/Bear hybrid stay the same. I experienced both of those situations this weekend and I have no intention on waiting another 10 years to say something about the ones that have stayed the same.
What does the future hold for me? I don't know. Last weekend I could have probably thrown a guess out there that I thought would be right and it probably involved me being alone by choice. But now? After this weekend, I don't know. But I know who I want there, and I don't intend to let them just walk away like they did all those years ago.
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