This is a doosie. Buckle in.
For Thanksgiving this year, my family and I decided that the usual Arizona 85 degree Thanksgiving was not for us. We wanted to go home. There were a couple reasons, other than just the holiday, that we made the 585 mile trek across the desert, through L.A. and back to the warm embrace of a marine layer and a mild poo/manure stench. One reason being that we had not seen most of our extended family for a major holiday in about 5 years and it was time to get in some R-and-R and catch up with the Aunts/Uncles/Friends/Cousins who are taller than me now (jerks). Another being that my Grandfather, who was a World War II B-17 bomber Pilot in Africa for 4 years, is finally flirting with the 90's in age and we know that he is a precious commodity in short supply. With the sum of these things being greater than the cost we decided Thanksgiving this year would be done Los Osos style.
Anyone who knows me and reads this blog knows that I may tend to say things that are on my mind and that I feel what I feel. What I feel is put down here so that, even if no one reads this, I can. I can read this and remember the lessons that life teaches you and I can remember my joy, my pain, and I can identify for myself what mistakes I have made in my life and learn from them. I have not been blogging lately because I have been to afraid to make mistakes. I have been too afraid to live my life and live it with that passion that I once did. I was afraid to hurt myself again. I was too afraid to take a chance and be human. I had "turned myself off" to anything that I felt. So for 3 months I decided to become a human Popsicle (grape, in case you were wondering) and feel nothing for or from anyone. With that being said..
I arrived in Los Osos at 4:30am local time after a nearly 11 hour drive that included the first 30 miles taking 3 hours, me hallucinating from exhaustion and seeing UFO's, and my brother falling asleep about mile 200 when he was supposed to keep me awake. Thanks bro. Regardless we arrived in one piece and settled into my uncles RV to get some rest. I awoke about 5 hours later still being used to Arizona time and was unable to fall back asleep so I decided to just get up and grunt hello to my family as I headed to the bathroom. Morning greetings are merely a formality with my family if said person in not awake so for the most part, the family and relatives know to kind of leave me alone before my shower. As soon as I finished cleaning the road off me and waking up, the hugs were plentiful as were the smiles, jokes about my beard and breakfast. One thing to note, my family plus food equals an immediate bonding moment even if it is a muffin or bowl of cereal.
But it wasn't the food this time for me. It wasn't the hugs, the bonfires, the Horse-shoes games, or the football. It was the people. It was my Jolly-Green Giant cousins being almost men and having more maturity than I think I'll ever have. It was my grandmother who couldn't remember who I was, breaking my heart while shaking my hand saying "Nice to meet you". It was my Uncle, who resembles a bear this time of year (not unlike yours truly), making me feel like I could do something and be proud of it. He made me feel like I could do anything by just having me hang a dartboard and some lights in his garage. For 3 months, I had been living in my own world and in my own hole in the ground, just kind of waiting for someone to fill it up. I wasn't sure if I wanted a family of my own in this life. I wasn't sure if I wanted to get married and have kids because of all the hardship that can be. I mean, I actually smiled for pictures on this vacation, Big shit eating grins with food in my mouth and all. I cant remember that last time I did that. It took a 6'2" loud, hairy, Budweiser drinking, Bar-b-queing, hard working, shit pumping man (literally, look up Al's Pumping Service) to give me my pride back. It took me hanging lights in his garage so we could play darts that night to give me my sense of self-worth back, which is something I had lost along time ago. This Thanksgiving, it was more than a vacation or a get together for me. I was revitalized. I was given something that I had lost along time ago and this time I do not intend to handle it so lightly. I realized why we make the sacrifices for our family that we do and why moments like the multiple I had this weekend are so rare and so important. My family is part of who I am. I had lost who I was and they gave that back to me. I now realize why people start families and why so much pride is taken when we talk about our families. Its because they are us, and always will be us.
I'm not afraid anymore. I was afraid of making a mistake and making myself look bad or stupid or whatever and in the process I learned what it was like to live with regret. I learned what it feels like to live and think "what if" or "maybe" about people and things in my life and I hate that I let life do that to me. I have thought "what if" for 10 years and it felt like a long time until it was gone. Whats funny is that after 10 years emotions can change and most of the time they do. But those special ones, those almost untouchable ones for your kids or spouse or Uncle/Bear hybrid stay the same. I experienced both of those situations this weekend and I have no intention on waiting another 10 years to say something about the ones that have stayed the same.
What does the future hold for me? I don't know. Last weekend I could have probably thrown a guess out there that I thought would be right and it probably involved me being alone by choice. But now? After this weekend, I don't know. But I know who I want there, and I don't intend to let them just walk away like they did all those years ago.
