This is a doosie. Buckle in.
For Thanksgiving this year, my family and I decided that the usual Arizona 85 degree Thanksgiving was not for us. We wanted to go home. There were a couple reasons, other than just the holiday, that we made the 585 mile trek across the desert, through L.A. and back to the warm embrace of a marine layer and a mild poo/manure stench. One reason being that we had not seen most of our extended family for a major holiday in about 5 years and it was time to get in some R-and-R and catch up with the Aunts/Uncles/Friends/Cousins who are taller than me now (jerks). Another being that my Grandfather, who was a World War II B-17 bomber Pilot in Africa for 4 years, is finally flirting with the 90's in age and we know that he is a precious commodity in short supply. With the sum of these things being greater than the cost we decided Thanksgiving this year would be done Los Osos style.
Anyone who knows me and reads this blog knows that I may tend to say things that are on my mind and that I feel what I feel. What I feel is put down here so that, even if no one reads this, I can. I can read this and remember the lessons that life teaches you and I can remember my joy, my pain, and I can identify for myself what mistakes I have made in my life and learn from them. I have not been blogging lately because I have been to afraid to make mistakes. I have been too afraid to live my life and live it with that passion that I once did. I was afraid to hurt myself again. I was too afraid to take a chance and be human. I had "turned myself off" to anything that I felt. So for 3 months I decided to become a human Popsicle (grape, in case you were wondering) and feel nothing for or from anyone. With that being said..
I arrived in Los Osos at 4:30am local time after a nearly 11 hour drive that included the first 30 miles taking 3 hours, me hallucinating from exhaustion and seeing UFO's, and my brother falling asleep about mile 200 when he was supposed to keep me awake. Thanks bro. Regardless we arrived in one piece and settled into my uncles RV to get some rest. I awoke about 5 hours later still being used to Arizona time and was unable to fall back asleep so I decided to just get up and grunt hello to my family as I headed to the bathroom. Morning greetings are merely a formality with my family if said person in not awake so for the most part, the family and relatives know to kind of leave me alone before my shower. As soon as I finished cleaning the road off me and waking up, the hugs were plentiful as were the smiles, jokes about my beard and breakfast. One thing to note, my family plus food equals an immediate bonding moment even if it is a muffin or bowl of cereal.
But it wasn't the food this time for me. It wasn't the hugs, the bonfires, the Horse-shoes games, or the football. It was the people. It was my Jolly-Green Giant cousins being almost men and having more maturity than I think I'll ever have. It was my grandmother who couldn't remember who I was, breaking my heart while shaking my hand saying "Nice to meet you". It was my Uncle, who resembles a bear this time of year (not unlike yours truly), making me feel like I could do something and be proud of it. He made me feel like I could do anything by just having me hang a dartboard and some lights in his garage. For 3 months, I had been living in my own world and in my own hole in the ground, just kind of waiting for someone to fill it up. I wasn't sure if I wanted a family of my own in this life. I wasn't sure if I wanted to get married and have kids because of all the hardship that can be. I mean, I actually smiled for pictures on this vacation, Big shit eating grins with food in my mouth and all. I cant remember that last time I did that. It took a 6'2" loud, hairy, Budweiser drinking, Bar-b-queing, hard working, shit pumping man (literally, look up Al's Pumping Service) to give me my pride back. It took me hanging lights in his garage so we could play darts that night to give me my sense of self-worth back, which is something I had lost along time ago. This Thanksgiving, it was more than a vacation or a get together for me. I was revitalized. I was given something that I had lost along time ago and this time I do not intend to handle it so lightly. I realized why we make the sacrifices for our family that we do and why moments like the multiple I had this weekend are so rare and so important. My family is part of who I am. I had lost who I was and they gave that back to me. I now realize why people start families and why so much pride is taken when we talk about our families. Its because they are us, and always will be us.
I'm not afraid anymore. I was afraid of making a mistake and making myself look bad or stupid or whatever and in the process I learned what it was like to live with regret. I learned what it feels like to live and think "what if" or "maybe" about people and things in my life and I hate that I let life do that to me. I have thought "what if" for 10 years and it felt like a long time until it was gone. Whats funny is that after 10 years emotions can change and most of the time they do. But those special ones, those almost untouchable ones for your kids or spouse or Uncle/Bear hybrid stay the same. I experienced both of those situations this weekend and I have no intention on waiting another 10 years to say something about the ones that have stayed the same.
What does the future hold for me? I don't know. Last weekend I could have probably thrown a guess out there that I thought would be right and it probably involved me being alone by choice. But now? After this weekend, I don't know. But I know who I want there, and I don't intend to let them just walk away like they did all those years ago.
11.28.2010
Quick Update
Hey everyone =]
Happy thanksgiving and start to the holiday season. I had a great holiday with great friends and family. Learned some lessons about myself and my life that I had forgotten. Stay tuned because I'll be trying to post something this week in between moving and working.
<3
Happy thanksgiving and start to the holiday season. I had a great holiday with great friends and family. Learned some lessons about myself and my life that I had forgotten. Stay tuned because I'll be trying to post something this week in between moving and working.
<3
7.27.2010
Are you willing..?
So this was rough. Rough to talk about or think about. I guess that I need to preface what I'm talking about but I'm lazy. Sorry. I posted on facebook a week or 2 ago that I had a revelation about relationships and now I'm going to look at people differently from now on because of it.
Ill say this first. Recently I have been exposed to a lot of older couples. Not senior citizens by any means but older couples. People who have been married and have seen almost every facet of each other, good and bad. I have noticed 2 very glaring differences in these couples. They are either more in love with each other than the day they were married, or barely talk to each other. So I, because this is what i do, started wondering why they were the way they were. Now clearly I'm no marriage councilor and I have no professional training on diagnosing said differences so take this with a grain of salt. Anyways, so later I'm at home and I hear a discussion happening between my Mom and Dad. My mom is shouting (over the 7 industrial fans blowing in the house) about something on the news that we were having a discussion on the night before. My step-father is a pretty well informed man, he reads the news paper and reads a collection of other printed materials so he was already informed of the latest developments of this event. My mother, still shouting, say "Aren't you going to change the channel?!" and my step father shakes his head and keeps chopping whatever it was he was making for dinner.
So here is where all this is going. I believe there comes a point in any relationship where either one or both parties subconsciously decide "Eff it". They make a decision to just not comply anymore. Sure they still go to work, they still come home every night (well most do) and they still sit in that chair they always sit in and watch that show they always watch. Somewhere in the psyche of this person who is rebelling against their spouse is this little voice that is telling them to keep pushing, don't do what he/she tells you or has been telling you all these years. What happened before this? What happened before that little voice was even a whisper? They complied. They submitted, if that's a better word. All those little things, "Honey, grab me a water bottle" "Honey, Turn off the TV real quick" "Honey, can you do _____ for me". They just submitted all the time and now they have decided to stop submitting. They decided to do what they want to do now, regardless of what else might be going on. In my opinion, this is only a natural human response after complying to your families needs for so long. One becomes selfish minded after so long and decides to do what they want. I'm not condoning the behavior but if I'm looking at the situation in a logical mind set, the dots connect for me.
On the flip side there are people/couples who never reach this point and are happy from day 1 till the end. I don't want you to think that these people are the extremely self centered, self concerned people that I'm making them out to be. Sooner or later we all think of our own happiness and evaluate weather it is up to our happiness standard, and if it is not, we do something about it. Personally I cant go like... more than a month with out seeing a movie because its something I love doing and it makes me happy. The person I'm describing simply has chosen to make them self happy by doing what they want to do now. It is, in my experience, usually small things first. Like not changing the channel just because they want you too. Or not taking the dog out because you are watching something interesting on TV and you simply don't want to get up. It becomes a problem when spouses realize whats going on and start bickering and so on but I'm not here to give my opinion on that.
What this is all boiling down to is how I applied it to my life. I am not currently in a relationship but a keen observer of them and how people act. The realization that this may be my future (the cataclysmic change of mind set from Family to me) has got me thinking about relationships differently all together. When I think about girls I am interested, I start to evaluate weather I would make the choice one day to just stop complying with what they want because I want something different. I start to wonder if I would turn into that self centered A-hole (more so than now lol) and if we would turn into that couple sitting at the same table not talking to each other. I'm sure they didn't intend for it to be that way when they got married but lots of things turn into what you never thought it would. I have to say on the flip side, that I have more respect than I can express for the Men/Women in lifetime relationships that never get sour and always persevere through the hard times. I cant say how many times I have desired what they have. They have the person that completes them. The Person that is the Yin to their Yang, the Butter to their waffle, the Seasoning salt to their French fries... sorry, I'm starving right now. My point is that they have found their other half, and I cant help but wonder, when I find my other half, will I take it for granted 20-30 years down the road? Or will I love and cherish them for their and my entire life?
I can assure you this, it will be my never ending goal to make sure that I am never sour.
Ill say this first. Recently I have been exposed to a lot of older couples. Not senior citizens by any means but older couples. People who have been married and have seen almost every facet of each other, good and bad. I have noticed 2 very glaring differences in these couples. They are either more in love with each other than the day they were married, or barely talk to each other. So I, because this is what i do, started wondering why they were the way they were. Now clearly I'm no marriage councilor and I have no professional training on diagnosing said differences so take this with a grain of salt. Anyways, so later I'm at home and I hear a discussion happening between my Mom and Dad. My mom is shouting (over the 7 industrial fans blowing in the house) about something on the news that we were having a discussion on the night before. My step-father is a pretty well informed man, he reads the news paper and reads a collection of other printed materials so he was already informed of the latest developments of this event. My mother, still shouting, say "Aren't you going to change the channel?!" and my step father shakes his head and keeps chopping whatever it was he was making for dinner.
So here is where all this is going. I believe there comes a point in any relationship where either one or both parties subconsciously decide "Eff it". They make a decision to just not comply anymore. Sure they still go to work, they still come home every night (well most do) and they still sit in that chair they always sit in and watch that show they always watch. Somewhere in the psyche of this person who is rebelling against their spouse is this little voice that is telling them to keep pushing, don't do what he/she tells you or has been telling you all these years. What happened before this? What happened before that little voice was even a whisper? They complied. They submitted, if that's a better word. All those little things, "Honey, grab me a water bottle" "Honey, Turn off the TV real quick" "Honey, can you do _____ for me". They just submitted all the time and now they have decided to stop submitting. They decided to do what they want to do now, regardless of what else might be going on. In my opinion, this is only a natural human response after complying to your families needs for so long. One becomes selfish minded after so long and decides to do what they want. I'm not condoning the behavior but if I'm looking at the situation in a logical mind set, the dots connect for me.
On the flip side there are people/couples who never reach this point and are happy from day 1 till the end. I don't want you to think that these people are the extremely self centered, self concerned people that I'm making them out to be. Sooner or later we all think of our own happiness and evaluate weather it is up to our happiness standard, and if it is not, we do something about it. Personally I cant go like... more than a month with out seeing a movie because its something I love doing and it makes me happy. The person I'm describing simply has chosen to make them self happy by doing what they want to do now. It is, in my experience, usually small things first. Like not changing the channel just because they want you too. Or not taking the dog out because you are watching something interesting on TV and you simply don't want to get up. It becomes a problem when spouses realize whats going on and start bickering and so on but I'm not here to give my opinion on that.
What this is all boiling down to is how I applied it to my life. I am not currently in a relationship but a keen observer of them and how people act. The realization that this may be my future (the cataclysmic change of mind set from Family to me) has got me thinking about relationships differently all together. When I think about girls I am interested, I start to evaluate weather I would make the choice one day to just stop complying with what they want because I want something different. I start to wonder if I would turn into that self centered A-hole (more so than now lol) and if we would turn into that couple sitting at the same table not talking to each other. I'm sure they didn't intend for it to be that way when they got married but lots of things turn into what you never thought it would. I have to say on the flip side, that I have more respect than I can express for the Men/Women in lifetime relationships that never get sour and always persevere through the hard times. I cant say how many times I have desired what they have. They have the person that completes them. The Person that is the Yin to their Yang, the Butter to their waffle, the Seasoning salt to their French fries... sorry, I'm starving right now. My point is that they have found their other half, and I cant help but wonder, when I find my other half, will I take it for granted 20-30 years down the road? Or will I love and cherish them for their and my entire life?
I can assure you this, it will be my never ending goal to make sure that I am never sour.
7.22.2010
Holy Bikini Bottoms Batman!
Plans for the weekend:
Wash Truck.
uhh.... what else..
Oh!
Oil Change.
..
drawing a blank here..
..
Maybe Volleyball on Saturday morning? If I wake up on time.
OHHHHHHH! Wait. I want to see Inception. Heck yes.
--
So I saw District 9 a couple nights ago. I enjoy movies for a couple reasons. The story, execution or the story and most importantly.. the Special effects. I'm a guy.. deal with it. Anyways, I loved it. Story was solid, they executed it well by splicing the Documentary/real footage format, shows that everyone has the capacity for good and bad and that what it comes down to is choosing if you want to hate someone/something different or accept it for what it is and embrace it. I have heard/read a lot of feedback on how people hated the ending but you were given every indication that it was going to end that way from about the 1 hour mark of the movie. Hollywood dictates that he be saved in the end via something miraculous and everyone is made happy but had that occurred in this movie, i would have been indifferent. The reason I'm not indifferent is because it ended in the way that it should have. I wont give it away for those of you who haven't seen it but I assure you, the ending is one that reflects that of real life... Had aliens come here and we oppress them and so on and so forth.
I also Have to say that going into this movie, I expected for a somewhat believable ending given the premise of the movie. That sounds crazy I know but hear me out. Its presented as a documentary in the beginning so that tells me its going to be a plot that is believable even though it involves aliens and stuff. The way the aliens in the beginning were here, but not doing anything, and we went up to their ship and broke in essentially to find them all dying and helped them told me that we would assume superiority to them. Which naturally leads to us oppressing them because they are not like us. I'm getting off track here, my point is that the ending is what you should have expected. Not what you hoped it would be. Regardless, I loved it and they start shooting the sequel in October.
I cant wait
Wash Truck.
uhh.... what else..
Oh!
Oil Change.
..
drawing a blank here..
..
Maybe Volleyball on Saturday morning? If I wake up on time.
OHHHHHHH! Wait. I want to see Inception. Heck yes.
--
So I saw District 9 a couple nights ago. I enjoy movies for a couple reasons. The story, execution or the story and most importantly.. the Special effects. I'm a guy.. deal with it. Anyways, I loved it. Story was solid, they executed it well by splicing the Documentary/real footage format, shows that everyone has the capacity for good and bad and that what it comes down to is choosing if you want to hate someone/something different or accept it for what it is and embrace it. I have heard/read a lot of feedback on how people hated the ending but you were given every indication that it was going to end that way from about the 1 hour mark of the movie. Hollywood dictates that he be saved in the end via something miraculous and everyone is made happy but had that occurred in this movie, i would have been indifferent. The reason I'm not indifferent is because it ended in the way that it should have. I wont give it away for those of you who haven't seen it but I assure you, the ending is one that reflects that of real life... Had aliens come here and we oppress them and so on and so forth.
I also Have to say that going into this movie, I expected for a somewhat believable ending given the premise of the movie. That sounds crazy I know but hear me out. Its presented as a documentary in the beginning so that tells me its going to be a plot that is believable even though it involves aliens and stuff. The way the aliens in the beginning were here, but not doing anything, and we went up to their ship and broke in essentially to find them all dying and helped them told me that we would assume superiority to them. Which naturally leads to us oppressing them because they are not like us. I'm getting off track here, my point is that the ending is what you should have expected. Not what you hoped it would be. Regardless, I loved it and they start shooting the sequel in October.
I cant wait
6.06.2010
So I put my hands up...
I'm bored so I'm going to write a bit. I hope you all are doing well. I have been doing pretty good, I started going to the gym again and playing a lot of Sand volleyball too. I have reconnected with a lot of my old v-ball friends which is is awesome. I forgot how much I missed a lot of these guys when I moved to Chandler. I started a new job on May 3rd and I am starting to learn a lot about myself with this new job.
I am finally learning that I need to find a creative outlet and make money with it. I hate.. HATE being on a phone for work. Everyone said that they were proud of me for finding a good job and I was really relieved to find a place that is going to pay me well and give me benefits and all that. Don't get me wrong, I like all of that stuff, but I have had this desire for about 3-4 months to start writing comedy and trying to do stand up. I have a running list of things that I think are funny and am going to try and start writing a bit and working out how I want it to sound. I find myself thinking about it everyday and wanting it more and more. Some people want a family and kids and that "American Dream" life. Some people want to smoke crack and be junkies. I want to be a comic. I want to be myself for a change. I hate feeling like I cant say what I want to say because I'm afraid of hurting peoples feelings. I feel like this is an outlet where I can be 100% me. Sure people will criticize you or not like you or whatever but that is life, you cant be liked by everyone and I think trying to become a comic is not only my dream but a lesson for me to come out of my shell and just be myself. I was never allowed to be myself as a teen and I think I have finally found my voice.
However, in the never ending quest to destroy my own happiness, i come up with reasons why I can't do what it is that I want to do. So I tell myself "I need to pay off all this debt before I can do anything". "I cant go back to school because I cant afford more debt right now". I don't know if those things I say to myself are wisdom, or carefully disguised self miss-guiding statements. Sometimes I wonder If I should just go for it and throw caution to the wind or be cautious and plan out the order of events and how I want them to happen. I feel really venerable right now in terms of my financial state so taking a risk is just not something I want to do right now. Not that I would quit my job or anything but I think we all know that being a comedian/show business is anything but stable. I suppose that is something that just comes with the territory and getting used to that will be another place for growth for me.
---
I would like to change topics for a moment and reflect on some more personal things that have been on my mind lately. Mostly bad things have been occurring lately and I'm not sure if this is some test to see how I handle these things or if its just a bad run. My band just found out that our Ex-Drummer (who controlled the iTunes account) was pocketing all the money from our online music sales. Initially this made me very angry due to the fact that the band has no money to begin with. He was making $100 to $200 withdrawls on a semi regular basis. This is the same drummer who sold his Drum kit without telling us. The same kit that the band paid $800 out of $2000 for it. As you can tell, this is a frustrating situation. Right now I'm over being mad at him and floating somewhere between forgiveness and holding a grudge. I'm troubled because I want to forgive him but I find myself still not wanting to return his text messages and wanting to just not be around him in general. I'm trying to not hold a grudge and I cant tell if this current set of behavior from me is because I'm still mad at him or because I'm holding it against him. I fell like I should mention that I went to church with this guy for like 5 years and he claims to love Jesus, therefor I hold him to a higher standard as I do myself. I think that's why this has cut me so deep. In the end he was/is a liar and a thief. I don't know, I just want to forgive him but I also never want to see his face again. This all happened about 4 days ago so maybe its still a little too fresh in my mind.
Hope everyone is well. As Always, trying to be more disciplined with my schedule of posting updates, but who am I kidding.
<3
I am finally learning that I need to find a creative outlet and make money with it. I hate.. HATE being on a phone for work. Everyone said that they were proud of me for finding a good job and I was really relieved to find a place that is going to pay me well and give me benefits and all that. Don't get me wrong, I like all of that stuff, but I have had this desire for about 3-4 months to start writing comedy and trying to do stand up. I have a running list of things that I think are funny and am going to try and start writing a bit and working out how I want it to sound. I find myself thinking about it everyday and wanting it more and more. Some people want a family and kids and that "American Dream" life. Some people want to smoke crack and be junkies. I want to be a comic. I want to be myself for a change. I hate feeling like I cant say what I want to say because I'm afraid of hurting peoples feelings. I feel like this is an outlet where I can be 100% me. Sure people will criticize you or not like you or whatever but that is life, you cant be liked by everyone and I think trying to become a comic is not only my dream but a lesson for me to come out of my shell and just be myself. I was never allowed to be myself as a teen and I think I have finally found my voice.
However, in the never ending quest to destroy my own happiness, i come up with reasons why I can't do what it is that I want to do. So I tell myself "I need to pay off all this debt before I can do anything". "I cant go back to school because I cant afford more debt right now". I don't know if those things I say to myself are wisdom, or carefully disguised self miss-guiding statements. Sometimes I wonder If I should just go for it and throw caution to the wind or be cautious and plan out the order of events and how I want them to happen. I feel really venerable right now in terms of my financial state so taking a risk is just not something I want to do right now. Not that I would quit my job or anything but I think we all know that being a comedian/show business is anything but stable. I suppose that is something that just comes with the territory and getting used to that will be another place for growth for me.
---
I would like to change topics for a moment and reflect on some more personal things that have been on my mind lately. Mostly bad things have been occurring lately and I'm not sure if this is some test to see how I handle these things or if its just a bad run. My band just found out that our Ex-Drummer (who controlled the iTunes account) was pocketing all the money from our online music sales. Initially this made me very angry due to the fact that the band has no money to begin with. He was making $100 to $200 withdrawls on a semi regular basis. This is the same drummer who sold his Drum kit without telling us. The same kit that the band paid $800 out of $2000 for it. As you can tell, this is a frustrating situation. Right now I'm over being mad at him and floating somewhere between forgiveness and holding a grudge. I'm troubled because I want to forgive him but I find myself still not wanting to return his text messages and wanting to just not be around him in general. I'm trying to not hold a grudge and I cant tell if this current set of behavior from me is because I'm still mad at him or because I'm holding it against him. I fell like I should mention that I went to church with this guy for like 5 years and he claims to love Jesus, therefor I hold him to a higher standard as I do myself. I think that's why this has cut me so deep. In the end he was/is a liar and a thief. I don't know, I just want to forgive him but I also never want to see his face again. This all happened about 4 days ago so maybe its still a little too fresh in my mind.
Hope everyone is well. As Always, trying to be more disciplined with my schedule of posting updates, but who am I kidding.
<3
5.20.2010
Lunch Time
I'm about to go to lunch and I felt like saying something. Go Lakers. Actually, funny thing happened to me last week that I wanted to share. First, some back story.
As you may know the Phoenix Suns exercised demons in the Semi-final found of the playoffs this year by sweeping the San Antonio Spurs. The media in phoenix was foaming at the mouth during this series for a couple reasons. 1) the spurs are hated rivals. 2) They are notoriously dirty players (Nash broken nose, Horry hockey-style checking of Nash into the scorers table and Bowen stepping on people's feet as they go for jump shots, etc). 3) the spurs looked highly beatable and old with guys like Duncan, Parker and Gionobli. So the sweep occurred, there was redemption in the city of phoenix and all this while there is an immigration act that was being (and still is) hotly discussed. I'm not going to talk about the bill in this blog so no head shaking or anything like that, OK? good. So at this point, if you are a Suns fan, you are worked into a frenzy because sports immortality only occurs so often in phoenix and your Phoenix suns are in the Western Conference Finals. So who better to go through than the defending world champion Los Angeles Lakers. The Cross hair has been set, the enemy is now Kobe Bryant and the Lakers.
Ok back to me. So there I was, 7:04am going South bound on the I-17. Nearest car in front of me was about 200 yards away and about the same distance was the nearest car behind me. Perhaps I suffer from early morning partial blindness or maybe I am just completely unaware of whats going on around me but a car came out of nowhere and cut me off while getting into the fast lane, which is where I was driving. So right then I was thinking a couple things. "wtf?, there is NO ONE around me. How can you cut someone off so bad when there is tons of room". So as any young man in his mid-twenties would do, I honk at him. Not a "you-cut-me-off-you-Ahole" honk, but a "hey-Im-here-just-letting-you-know-that-we-dont-do-that-to-people-when- you-have-400-yards-to-change-lanes" honk (pretty standard, really).
Part 1.a of the story is that the evening before I had put a good sized Lakers sticker on the back window of my truck the night before. It wasn't as big or as obnoxious as some of the suns stickers I have seen out here but it wasn't small by any means. Like 8 inches long and 2 inches tall. My thought process is that If people can roll around here supporting their favorite teams, no reason I shouldn't be able too. Not to mention I lived in Sacramento for a year as a laker fan and survived so this would be a piece of cake.
So, after honking at the man who cut me off he decided to change lanes into the carpool lane (that's to the left of the fast lane) and started slowing down and after a couple seconds he was even with me on the freeway. I'm going to Pause the story here because there are a couple things that could happen..
Situation 1) He flips me off, I laugh and he drives off.
As you may know the Phoenix Suns exercised demons in the Semi-final found of the playoffs this year by sweeping the San Antonio Spurs. The media in phoenix was foaming at the mouth during this series for a couple reasons. 1) the spurs are hated rivals. 2) They are notoriously dirty players (Nash broken nose, Horry hockey-style checking of Nash into the scorers table and Bowen stepping on people's feet as they go for jump shots, etc). 3) the spurs looked highly beatable and old with guys like Duncan, Parker and Gionobli. So the sweep occurred, there was redemption in the city of phoenix and all this while there is an immigration act that was being (and still is) hotly discussed. I'm not going to talk about the bill in this blog so no head shaking or anything like that, OK? good. So at this point, if you are a Suns fan, you are worked into a frenzy because sports immortality only occurs so often in phoenix and your Phoenix suns are in the Western Conference Finals. So who better to go through than the defending world champion Los Angeles Lakers. The Cross hair has been set, the enemy is now Kobe Bryant and the Lakers.
Ok back to me. So there I was, 7:04am going South bound on the I-17. Nearest car in front of me was about 200 yards away and about the same distance was the nearest car behind me. Perhaps I suffer from early morning partial blindness or maybe I am just completely unaware of whats going on around me but a car came out of nowhere and cut me off while getting into the fast lane, which is where I was driving. So right then I was thinking a couple things. "wtf?, there is NO ONE around me. How can you cut someone off so bad when there is tons of room". So as any young man in his mid-twenties would do, I honk at him. Not a "you-cut-me-off-you-Ahole" honk, but a "hey-Im-here-just-letting-you-know-that-we-dont-do-that-to-people-when- you-have-400-yards-to-change-lanes" honk (pretty standard, really).
Part 1.a of the story is that the evening before I had put a good sized Lakers sticker on the back window of my truck the night before. It wasn't as big or as obnoxious as some of the suns stickers I have seen out here but it wasn't small by any means. Like 8 inches long and 2 inches tall. My thought process is that If people can roll around here supporting their favorite teams, no reason I shouldn't be able too. Not to mention I lived in Sacramento for a year as a laker fan and survived so this would be a piece of cake.
So, after honking at the man who cut me off he decided to change lanes into the carpool lane (that's to the left of the fast lane) and started slowing down and after a couple seconds he was even with me on the freeway. I'm going to Pause the story here because there are a couple things that could happen..
Situation 1) He flips me off, I laugh and he drives off.
Situation 2) I give him the "wtf" look, he yells something That I obviously cant hear, menacing glances are exchanged then one of us speeds up or slows down just to get away from the other.
Situation 3) He pulls a gun out, shoots out my tires and I Mission Impossible style leap from my slowing, crippled car on top of his and we have a fight to control his vehicle careening down the interstate (I wont lie, was kind of hoping this one happened)
I went for the option 2, I gave him the "wtf" face. I would have never guessed in a million years what he said next. I watched and read his lips has he mouthed...
"Eff you Laker fan."
4.26.2010
So Full but So Empty
Hello friends.
I am in the midst of something revolutionary happening in me. I have come to the realization that my life, everything I have ever loved or wanted, and all the things around me have led me to one certain and nearly unattainable destiny. I have never felt a burning passionate love for anyone in my life. I have never loved enough to die for someone or to care really all that much at all as a matter of fact, save for 2 people. I am sorry for most of you as you most likely are hurt by this, but save that because I hardly believe that you can say the opposite in regards to my well being. Looking back at all the people that have ever said they loved me while being at church, consider yourself among the liars of this world. Something said at church just to make yourself feel better for being a selfish, self minded person will only get you so far before you realize that you are no different. You are a sheep and you are a meal ticket for a pastor who doesn't know your name to eat and feed his kids. There has only ever been 2 people I actually believe meant it. To the rest, it was a lie.
I can say that what I do love, I love deeply and whole heartily. I love to the point in which it hurts me sometimes. As such, my love for music is no different. I can say that, with all of me, that music will always be my one and only love. Nothing in me stirs more emotion, more conviction or more joy than that which music has given me. Perhaps I am the only person I know that feels this way. Music has never broken my heart, it has never stabbed me in the back, it has never been friends with my Ex's on facebook.
After 25 years of living and breathing and dying a little each day, I have come to see who and what I am. I don't know if I'm cut out to have a family. I don't know if I'm cut out to have kids or a wife or any of that bullshit everyone on this planet seeks. Maybe I am the only one who knows what it is like to unconditionally love, then fall to the bottom of the ocean when it turns out that they just pushed you away. I wont deny that I desire the one true love manifested in a woman. However I cannot help but feel... empty. So full but so empty.
What I am trying to say is that I was put on this earth to make music. To Love my true love everyday. And I will be Damned that I don't see it through. I have so much more to say but cant even begin to explain. So many people have meant so many things to me and they have all come to the same conclusion in my life, they have left. What kind of life is it to lead when you cannot count on the very people that brought you into it.
So full and yet so hopelessly empty.
I am in the midst of something revolutionary happening in me. I have come to the realization that my life, everything I have ever loved or wanted, and all the things around me have led me to one certain and nearly unattainable destiny. I have never felt a burning passionate love for anyone in my life. I have never loved enough to die for someone or to care really all that much at all as a matter of fact, save for 2 people. I am sorry for most of you as you most likely are hurt by this, but save that because I hardly believe that you can say the opposite in regards to my well being. Looking back at all the people that have ever said they loved me while being at church, consider yourself among the liars of this world. Something said at church just to make yourself feel better for being a selfish, self minded person will only get you so far before you realize that you are no different. You are a sheep and you are a meal ticket for a pastor who doesn't know your name to eat and feed his kids. There has only ever been 2 people I actually believe meant it. To the rest, it was a lie.
I can say that what I do love, I love deeply and whole heartily. I love to the point in which it hurts me sometimes. As such, my love for music is no different. I can say that, with all of me, that music will always be my one and only love. Nothing in me stirs more emotion, more conviction or more joy than that which music has given me. Perhaps I am the only person I know that feels this way. Music has never broken my heart, it has never stabbed me in the back, it has never been friends with my Ex's on facebook.
After 25 years of living and breathing and dying a little each day, I have come to see who and what I am. I don't know if I'm cut out to have a family. I don't know if I'm cut out to have kids or a wife or any of that bullshit everyone on this planet seeks. Maybe I am the only one who knows what it is like to unconditionally love, then fall to the bottom of the ocean when it turns out that they just pushed you away. I wont deny that I desire the one true love manifested in a woman. However I cannot help but feel... empty. So full but so empty.
What I am trying to say is that I was put on this earth to make music. To Love my true love everyday. And I will be Damned that I don't see it through. I have so much more to say but cant even begin to explain. So many people have meant so many things to me and they have all come to the same conclusion in my life, they have left. What kind of life is it to lead when you cannot count on the very people that brought you into it.
So full and yet so hopelessly empty.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)