Shameful Behavior

This is going to be somewhat a two-parter of a blog entry, and I wont lie, this could get messy. Well, enough with the blue balling, I'll get right to it.

Situation 1: Hypothetical (which means a real situation with names removed)

In some crazy cosmic coincidence, you (imagine yourself as a love drunk 25 year old male) end up painting your girlfriends toenails. I know, as disgusting as that might sound, it happened. You know it, she knows it, and now every one of her friends on facebook knows it because she posted a picture of you doing it. Now all her friends are commenting on it and, if you will allow me, I will share some of those comments. As always, names are removed to protect the author of the comment. Instead, I will replace their names with an attempt at a comical stereotype that will most likely be offensive.

Blonde twenty-something female posted; "OMG that is sooooo cute!"

Blonde pre-twenty-something female posted; "Wow, (generic boyfriend name) never paints MY toe nails, your BF is the best!"

Person who is disgusted by this blatant lack of manhood and feels a sociological obligation to put and end to the madness posted; ".... "

If you couldn't tell who the last poster was, it was me. Yes, shocking as it may seem. Silence seems to be my least used weapon when fighting the battle for men everywhere (another shocker, I know) but this time I felt my silent indignation towards this blasphemy to all men would be justified and people (read: women) will know that this shameful behaviour is simply not acceptable in Mandom. The madness did not end there...

Blonde female getting her toes painted in the picture posted; "Oh Josh, just wait till you are painting your girlfriend's toenails ;-)"

Annoying short blonde High school student posted; "haha if he ever gets one! Lol jusss playin!"

I'm going to be the bigger man here (and try not to critisize the lack of grammar for one thing) and let a couple of things that I have to say about these last two posts slide. Too bad that forgive/ignore sentiment only lasted for about 3 seconds. So those things I'm letting slide are being replaced with a couple gems I have come up with.

You will never EVER see me doing anything like painting my girlfriends toe nails. First of all, that disgusting, those are her feet. All you females out there might say something about being in love and doing anything for the love of your life blah blah blah but you know what? I have been in love. Yes, the cold, callus, rock hard heart I now possess was once less cold, callus and less rock hard. Think of it in terms of rock layers in the earth. It used to be like the topsoil, now its more like the granite that's a couple layers down, but enough of that poorly executed analogy. I'm simply not going to do it because there is something major that I have to consider. Its called the Man-card. That's right, the coveted Man-card. The man card is the proverbial membership that every man is a part of from the moment you are born. Its an understood, seldomly spoken of collaboration of all men world wide. One of self governace, honor and pride. Once you lose your man-card, you are never looked at the same way. Here as an example.

You are walking through the mall and you see some guy walking around, holding hands with his girlfriend. She is carrying nothing while he is carrying her purse. So you, being a fellow man, think "Well ok, maybe she needed to tie her shoe and he is just holding it for her". A perfectly reasonable explanation for the situation. Then you realize, wait a minute, they are just strolling along window shopping and going into the pottery barn and the like home decor businesses. Looking at rugs and nodding their heads like they are some experts on the Eastern-Mediterranean styling of this throw rug that they are about to purchase from a store somewhere in mid-suburbia USA.

Then it hits you. The purse is his! It was a Gift from her! The only thing you can utter from your trembling lips is "...m-m.. m-MANCARD!" You would be absolutely correct in your declaration or this mans' newly missing piece of man-proving critera. Purse guy has had his man-card taken from the lady that purchased him that purse. Oh sure, they will call it something else, "shoulder bag" or my favorite, "European-whatever-bag". OK like I have never seen a picture of cities in Europe/been to Europe and you want me to believe that all the guys over there have purses. Reality check - they don't, ok? I'm not an idiot. Make no mistake though, he could have preserved his man card. He could have not worn the purse and kept a wallet like every other guy out there but no, she took his man card the moment he donned that shiny black leather purse with the gold buckle on the front.

There isn't much lost in translation if you apply that to painting toe nails that happen to be your girlfriends. I would like to take a moment to ponder this in writing. If he (said toe nail painter) were, oh I don't know, painting his own toe nails, he would just be really weird but wouldn't lose his man card over it. The fact that is in the picture, he was on all fours, hunched over with a little bottle of purple polish, and the little brush, painting a toe nail while she was sitting on a chair above him destroys any pride he should have left as a man. Not only are you completely devoid of any dignity you might have had left, but this action now shreds your man card into tiny man-card pieces.

Well i hope we can all learn a valuable lesson from this. Man-cards are irreplaceable (unless you can pull off something freaking huge, like wrestling a bull and winning or catching a bullet in your bare hands or something) and if you are going to do something that you know you will lose your man-card over, at least make sure no one is taking pictures of it.

Nostalga

A very dangerous thing that is. Most people associate it with like an old friend or a place they grew up. I associate it with feelings. I think most people do that too so i guess I'm just talking out of my butt. The point is that it can be dangerous for me, make me want old things that I used to have because they make me feel a certain way.

I think I'm finally over the hump. Over the mountain I have been climbing for a year and a half. I have battled fits of drinking, depression, rage, hate, malice, self isolation, douche-baggy-ness, and apathy and what have I learned... beer makes you fat. No just kidding haha. I learned that all of my problems stemmed from things that I didn't like about myself. I was distant with most people I knew, I was centered around myself and what I wanted to do. Sure there were things in my life that were out of my control but my actions sure didn't help those things.

I can say finally, after a totaled car, 4 different residences, 35 pounds, 2 jobs, 1 Band and one 5'6" mistake, I'm am ready to start my life. I'm only 24... not that far behind right?

grrrrrr.....

INCOMING RANT:

WHAT IN THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!!!!! SHE'S ROCKING THE BEER GUT?!?! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!HHHH!H!H!HH!11!!!!

I was on hold with a doctor's office who was located in Houston Texas and the country music station hold music was playing this horrendous song about how the singer finds this woman's beer gut attractive. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!? really? My head is about to explode. Why is this popular? Why is this popular enough to go radio play? WHO THE EFF THINKS THIS MUSIC IS GOOD? In any way shape or form? Is this what our society is reduced to? songs... about BEER GUTS!!! Is the stupidity level getting to the point where we are not only embracing being out of shape, but writing songs to celebrate it?! Forgive me for saying this, but this proves my point that country listeners are probably dumb. Perhaps getting thrown off the mechanical bull too many times has knocked something loose in your brain and you are just suffering from a mild case or temporary stupidity but for the love of pete.. beer guts? What ever happened to musicanship? thoughtful songwriting? I thought music was an Art, not a way to make money. Beethoven is turning over in his 4 century old grave, im sure this is what he imagined for the future of music. I am so fired up right now, its not even funny. I'm feeling lightheaded from all this ranting, i need to go take a 5 min break and calm down.

On a side note: Happy National Play-doh Day.

The last couple months

I have missed this. I have missed the therapy of writing and scrawlling my thoughts, feelings and personality across the electronic ambiguity that is the Internet. For some odd reason I feel comfort in the hustle and bustle of electrons across this alternate reality that we call the Internet. Where else can you be completely exposed and secluded at the same time? The answer is Montana but that's a different story altogether.


So its been along month or two and I feel like I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll start with some cool band stuff then just to get the ball rollin'. So I joined the band Downcast Fable about 3 months ago and we were sort of on hiatus for a while during some adjustment period but finally we started practicing again. So we practiced for about a month and had a warm up show at Chryo (Chyro?) Arts in Scottsdale and at Life way Church all the out in Buckeye. It was fun and refreshing to play live music again seeing as how I hadn't played live since 2005 for the Adventure worship/youth service (holla' if you were there!). If you know me, you know that I am not one who is reserved about many things. If fact I'm down right abrasive, opinionated and brutally honest sometimes (to my fault, admittedly). One thing I do not lack is passion and my music is no exception. I had to evaluate myself and why I love to play music when I joined the band and make sure I was doing it for the right reasons. I can say without a doubt that its the most fun and rewarding thing I have ever done in my life. Knowing that we playing our music, and people are responding positively to it. There are always the little kids that just love loud noises who say were are "AMG SO AWESOME!", and I appreciate their enthusiasm. I'm always pleased when someone I don't know, who doesn't know me compliments the music and the message. My point in mentioning the passion is that I was somewhat reserved in my on-stage antics in the first couple shows. I was being more focused on my notes rather than what I looked like and that was apparently boring to watch.. who knew? While I still hold accuracy while playing in very high importance, showing passion on stage and really connecting with the audience is almost as important as the actual music. Emery for example, I have never gone to one of their shows and left feeling disconnected from them even though they were on stage and I am just a fan. That is my goal, for you to look me in the eye and know the passion that I have for the music and the message. I could go on about this for hours but I'll spare you and myself cause I'm tired as it is.

The Band has really been consuming a lot of my time so really that's the only thing of note to talk about. The only other cool thing that's happening is I'll be moving in with my best friend and his new house in the beginning of October. It's something we have been talking about/planning since January so it nice to have the plans finally work out and share a residence with one of my closest friends.

So this was more of a "how I'm doing" blog rather than a reflective blog post but hold fast to hope friends, one is in the works. =)

-J

long time..

I know it been along time since i posted and im sure only 1 person reads this blog so Rob.. hey buddy, whats up?

I have been super busy with the band and living at home temporarily (which is fun but exhausting) so the blog has fallen by the wayside. FEAR NOT faithful reader(s)!! New blog shall be posted soon! With updates! Pics! Advertisements! Giveaways! FLASHING THINGIES!! Im not going to lie, the flashing thingies are making me excited. I dont know where they will come from but i will find them. Oh yes, you will have flashing thingies!

Anyways, peace. =)

Busy Busy Busy

This month has sucked for me in terms of time. While working full time and have had to move back in with my mom (long story, maybe a post if I CAN GET SOME FREAKING FREE TIME) and phoenix is starting to really heat up. My car is feeling more and more like a microwave every day after work. Other than that i have been doing better on my life style changes, haven't had a soda in like a month and Fast food has been Very few and far between. I also got a... *dun duh na na* a haircut. Omg its weird having short hair again but so much easier to take care of. Anyways, just working my butt off and trying to find free time for the gym and my life. I'll try and post something epic and life changing on Friday because its my 1 day where i have nothing to do, but don't count on it. Count on it being more annoying, smelly and sarcastic as a whole.

2 minutes left on break, BATHROOOOOOMMMM GOOOOOOO!!

Old Habits Die Hard....

So I'm moving, yeah it sucks but sometimes you have to/need to and i believe this is a case of both. My roommates have always been cool, even though i think one of them is WAY overbearing on the other. I'm not going to start down that road because its a long one. Regardless, I'm moving. So i have to be out by this Sunday seeing as how its the last day of the month and i payed up through then. I have been putting off getting in shape for a long time because, well I'm lazy. It is too easy for me to be lazy where I'm living due to the Xbox 360, PS3 and Wii that are connected to our 50' TV in the living room (omg i want to play Mario cart right now...). It was FAR to easy to order pizza from hungry howies twice a week due to the fact that I know it will be delivered in under 30 min.

So sense I'm moving back in with my mom for about a month or two (its a long story that i choose not to blog about) i have decided to start exercising and eating better so that i can drop at least 30 pounds. That's my goal at least. When i re-read what i just said, it drives home the point that i have a log way to go (hahahaha *cries*).

So I arrive at work today and I am met with our chipper, energizer bunny, boarder line PCP user supervisor with a clipboard and a pen and she is writing like is 1940 and Germans are invading. Here is how the conversation went:

"HEY JOSH GOOD MORNING"

Wow that was loud. "Good morning Gina, whats with the clipboard?"

"I'm taking drink orders for the department and if people want anything to eat, do you want something?"

Such a loaded question. "So did I board an airplane or something when I came in and just didn't know it?"

"Don't be a smart ass, I'm not a flight attendant. But thats very clever."

I know i am. "I'm sorry i couldn't resist"

"So did you want something or not?"

"Can I get a Mountain Dew and some Sun Chips?"

"Yes, but only if you just be quiet the rest of the day"

"I make no guarantees"

The Mountain dew is my Kryptonite. I love it, especially with Pizza. There wasn't even hesitation in my voice when i asked for it too. This early in the morning, i knew it would be a pick-me-up so i just went for it. That is the habit I really need to break. Its like how some people cant really wake up in the morning without coffee, i cant wake up with out a mountain dew. I have been slipping into small habits like that and after a long time they really build up and impact your health. So i guess old habits die hard..

Looking Up

"How can we still get home, How can we still get home"

Have you ever been sitting in a room or outside and taken the time to look at whats above you. Besides becoming dizzy for a couple seconds, i find my experience is usually similar to the last; weather i be indoors or outdoors. I usually make some observation of architecture and think to my self "The person who designed this tial with all the holes in it must hate their life. How proud are you to be the guy that designed the reverse outer space tial." But after an initial cynical statement or thought, my mind wanders to whats above that. The sky. Then whats above that. Space. Then whats above that. God.

I'd like to think that when i die or when he takes me home, i would have the chance to float up, through the sky and space and marvel at the creation breathed into existence in just a week. I hope that i get the chance to see these near impossible things to fathom, so that we might grasp that God is so much bigger than us. He is so much more in control than we think/he appears to be. In 7 days he made everything that we know and so many things that we dont.

It all comes rushing back to me, as i sit and look up. My brain is a weird thing in the fact that after viewing something large, i compare it to something small. Do i deserve to be here looking at this creation, in my poor eye sight that only sees the surface of what things really are? No. I dont. But Gods will has me here. Im not going to sit here and lie to myself, I have done nothing that has glorified God in a long time. Maybe because i feel guilty for denying everything i swore i believed. Maybe because i feel like living a life where i dont care is easier than living one that i do care. I know that God forgives me, and that i need to accept that and confess and give all the guilt i carry to Jesus and pray for forgiveness.

"we're forgetting our forgiveness"

Too Bright to See Too Loud to Hear -Underoath

Update to myself

So i ate some leftover pizza yesterday. It was really good. The Hungry howies thats close to my house must put some mechanism ingredient in their pizza that triggers a craving once a week for Pizza and cinnamon bread to which you are helpless to resist, true story. Well 5am rolled around this morning and I zombied (yes, I'm using it as a verb) my way into the bathroom and did my routine. Shower, comb hair, brush teeth, the usual. This whole time my stomach has been feeling upset and i chalked it up to being hungry because I'm always hungry in the morning and usually don't eat until like 8 or 9. Well i stop at QT, get a Gatorade and am on my way to work.

I think God, in all his genius in creating our bodies, has some kind of sick and twisted sense of humor because as soon as i leave the QT.. my butt cheeks are foaming. I have got to poop something awful and the next closest stop is 2 miles away. My friend Rob will be shaking his head after he reads this but i went like 75 in a 45 to get there before i poo'd myself. Praise God i made it and was able to exorcise some demons in the QT bathroom stall.

I dont think I'm ever going to that QT again. /shudder

I dont have Kids

I hate writing for the sake of writing. I feel so insincere when i do it.

On an unrelated note, i have decided to start caring more. For a long time now i didn't care about anything really. Not out of a lack of motivation but a pure desire to not care about anything at all. So as a challenge to myself, I'm blogging. Asking for prayers and sharing things here that i care about and reflecting on what these things mean to me.

1. Learning new music is always fun for me. For as long as I have been playing I have wanted to play and write music with my friends. Now I have the opportunity to do so and praise God for the chance. Something i have prayed for and has been a desire of my heart for a long time. Please pray that my head stay in it for the right reasons and that I always glorify God first with this gift he has given me.

2. Settle. That word just bothers me. I feel like thats a word that people use to make them feel better about a decision they made that they dont really like. I feel like settling is something people do when they want the easy way out. I have made it my goal to never just settle. Never settle in my relationships with people, at my work, in my walk with the Lord, or in my music. She has so much going for her and is so beautiful, i just wish some how she could see that. Somehow she would realize that you dont have to live with old mistakes and bad habits, the Lord will rise you up over those things and free you from them if you ask, instead of ..settling for them. Pray for hope beyond what is possible and for freedom from old chains, for me and her.

Turning leaves over, or something like that.

Someone once said "You have no direction in your life". Another person also once said... "scooby scooby roo". My point is that people say things and they usually dont mean anything. Not that the person saying it didnt mean something but more that the words, the words carry no meaning. The words "You have no direction in your life" amounts to the same as if they would have said "Scrabby pappy ding dong".

Why. why am i quoting gibberish in my new blog? Because I can, ok? deal with it. Why so i constantly feel like a bleeding Hatchet wound? Thats an excellent question. I should probably stop trying to juggle them with my bible. Hypocritical huh? im seeing that now too unfortunately. I apologize if this is tough to follow, im feeling like these random things are coming up in my head but they all revolve around the same subject. Me. Me and my inability to produce anything of worth (at least for the last 2 years) with this suitcase of flesh i carry around. I feel like that is coming to an end now and that i am finally going to be used for something that might make a difference in someones life. I am finally able to express myself in an outlet that allows me to be totally creative and do what i want to do. It allows me to express what i have been feeling in my chest and in the pit of my stomach, allows me to express the burning in my lungs and the sweat on my head and the passion i feel when i hear the collection of vibrations and overdriven melodies....

My life is not over. I will be dammed that she will ever get the best of me. I will make sure i make a difference in this world. They will all hear me. but its not really me is it.... get ready.