Humans are funny, and by funny I mean complex, layered and ultimately confusing. I had two really good talks with my roommate this weekend about how our lives are going and how we want certain things to be fixed within ourselves. Our methods differ so much in dealing with a lot of our challenges that I was having a hard time understanding his logic. I was taking his situations and applying them in my own brain and how I would deal with them. Needless to say, I was confused by a lot of his decisions and what I had to end up doing is removing myself from the equation and see it from his point of view to understand what was going on. I had to remove myself. How often do we ever consider ourselves the problem? For me, that's very seldom but that's also because I'm selfish and fickle to admit that I'm wrong. I think people like to martyr themselves and say things like that but I actually mean that I have a hard time admitting when I'm wrong unless its like something about math or whatever. Who cares about math anyway. Its really amazing to have someone to talk to who is in a similar place and bounce ideas off each other when things are going well and not so well. In terms of mental health, It always feels good to get that crap out and maybe have someone who is objective tell you when you are being a retard or when you did the right thing. I feel like the other part of this that people may not get all the time is that it needs to be a 2 way road. If you need to talk, then you need to be there to listen as well. I don't think there is such a thing as a Take only relationship and there is no way this works unless your paying the other person. In which case, tell your therapist hello for me.
This weekend was really cool, besides working both Saturday and Sunday, for a couple reasons. The Friday night draw I play in nearly every week went really well and my team ended up winning the championship for the week. I personally had a bad night playing and I was lifted up by my teammates and we overcame a very large hole to win. This was a new experience for me because I am the one lifting people up usually. All through high school and up until now I have always been the vocal leader who picks people up when they are down and plays by example, a leader and one who encourages. So when I was the one who is down, I became used to staying there with no help, but Friday night was different. I rose above the circumstance, with the help of my team, and we went on to win the evening and it was really uplifting to me to know that these people I play volleyball with 2-3 times a week are now becoming friends, not just people I know. As if that weren't enough, a group of about 10 of us when and crashed the local Denny's at like 12:30am (which I'm sure the employees there loved) and had some dinner and chatted for a while. If there was any shadow of a doubt in my mind that this is were I wanted to be at almost 1am after playing sand ball for almost 3 hours, it was eliminated in that instant. Forming relationships and making friends like that is something that I have been missing since I moved out here and I look forward to what the future holds for me.
The other really exciting thing going on is that I am scheduled to start the outlines for my Tattoo sleeve on Saturday the 14th. This is the culmination of four years of thought and prayer of if I should, and if I did, what should it be of. I considered all angles, biblical and secular, recreational and professional, personal and public and I can honestly say that I haven't wanted them more than right now. The contents that my arm will house is something that I struggled with for a long time and until I sought the advice of my siblings, was very lost on. There is one exception to that last sentence. Taylor. She was ...difficult. While being poked and prodded for ideas, being goaded into being creative and thinking of a symbol that represented her, she nearly out right refused. So I was forced to take something from a tweet of hers and hack at it until it fit the scheme of the whole thing right. Taylor, I love you, but OMG you were a pain in this process.
I was given advice from a lot of people that I shouldn't do it and that its permanent and will be on my arm forever, and I appreciate that feed back because it's absolutely right. It's there forever. And at a certain point I realized that what I want forever are my Brothers and Sisters and Jesus. And so I decided that that is what I will wear on my arms. Forever.
Peace.
5.09.2011
4.03.2011
The Birth and Death of a Day.
I am going to write. Instead of being mad that I had to work late tonight, I am going to write. Instead of being upset and scared that I am squinting a lot more often to see things, I am going to write. Instead of being mad at my dad and all the things that he represents in my life, and what that has done to me, I am going to write. Instead of being unable, after 26 years, to form coherent thoughts in regards to my own emotions, and having that inability drive me to lash out and take it out on other people, I am going to write. Instead of being mad at God, I am going to write. Instead of being so damn tired that I cant summon the energy necessary to walk 5 feet to my bed after working 3 straight 60 hour weeks, I am going to write. Instead of laying in bed for an hour because my head is telling me what it wants and my heart is telling me what it wants and me trying to be the mediator, I'm going to use this as the mediator. Instead of being mad that no one seems to understand me, including myself, I am going to... I don't know actually. Instead of feeling betrayed because no girl or woman in this city seems to have any sense of dignity or self worth, I am going to say step off ho'. Instead of trying to fit everyone else's schedule, I'm going to fit mine. Instead of sugarcoating things, I'm going to be honest (not that I'm not but the word abrasive has been used when describing me so take that as it is). In stead of watching Netflix and Adult Swim all the time, I am going to write. Instead of thinking about being on that stage, I am going to get on that stage. Instead of dreaming about the ink on my arm, I'm going to get it. Instead of only living the life I want in my head, I'm going to live the life I want. And I could give a damn what you think anymore. This is what it is to be alone. I am it. No one is going to do it for me.
11.28.2010
You Gotta Spend Some Time, Love..
This is a doosie. Buckle in.
For Thanksgiving this year, my family and I decided that the usual Arizona 85 degree Thanksgiving was not for us. We wanted to go home. There were a couple reasons, other than just the holiday, that we made the 585 mile trek across the desert, through L.A. and back to the warm embrace of a marine layer and a mild poo/manure stench. One reason being that we had not seen most of our extended family for a major holiday in about 5 years and it was time to get in some R-and-R and catch up with the Aunts/Uncles/Friends/Cousins who are taller than me now (jerks). Another being that my Grandfather, who was a World War II B-17 bomber Pilot in Africa for 4 years, is finally flirting with the 90's in age and we know that he is a precious commodity in short supply. With the sum of these things being greater than the cost we decided Thanksgiving this year would be done Los Osos style.
Anyone who knows me and reads this blog knows that I may tend to say things that are on my mind and that I feel what I feel. What I feel is put down here so that, even if no one reads this, I can. I can read this and remember the lessons that life teaches you and I can remember my joy, my pain, and I can identify for myself what mistakes I have made in my life and learn from them. I have not been blogging lately because I have been to afraid to make mistakes. I have been too afraid to live my life and live it with that passion that I once did. I was afraid to hurt myself again. I was too afraid to take a chance and be human. I had "turned myself off" to anything that I felt. So for 3 months I decided to become a human Popsicle (grape, in case you were wondering) and feel nothing for or from anyone. With that being said..
I arrived in Los Osos at 4:30am local time after a nearly 11 hour drive that included the first 30 miles taking 3 hours, me hallucinating from exhaustion and seeing UFO's, and my brother falling asleep about mile 200 when he was supposed to keep me awake. Thanks bro. Regardless we arrived in one piece and settled into my uncles RV to get some rest. I awoke about 5 hours later still being used to Arizona time and was unable to fall back asleep so I decided to just get up and grunt hello to my family as I headed to the bathroom. Morning greetings are merely a formality with my family if said person in not awake so for the most part, the family and relatives know to kind of leave me alone before my shower. As soon as I finished cleaning the road off me and waking up, the hugs were plentiful as were the smiles, jokes about my beard and breakfast. One thing to note, my family plus food equals an immediate bonding moment even if it is a muffin or bowl of cereal.
But it wasn't the food this time for me. It wasn't the hugs, the bonfires, the Horse-shoes games, or the football. It was the people. It was my Jolly-Green Giant cousins being almost men and having more maturity than I think I'll ever have. It was my grandmother who couldn't remember who I was, breaking my heart while shaking my hand saying "Nice to meet you". It was my Uncle, who resembles a bear this time of year (not unlike yours truly), making me feel like I could do something and be proud of it. He made me feel like I could do anything by just having me hang a dartboard and some lights in his garage. For 3 months, I had been living in my own world and in my own hole in the ground, just kind of waiting for someone to fill it up. I wasn't sure if I wanted a family of my own in this life. I wasn't sure if I wanted to get married and have kids because of all the hardship that can be. I mean, I actually smiled for pictures on this vacation, Big shit eating grins with food in my mouth and all. I cant remember that last time I did that. It took a 6'2" loud, hairy, Budweiser drinking, Bar-b-queing, hard working, shit pumping man (literally, look up Al's Pumping Service) to give me my pride back. It took me hanging lights in his garage so we could play darts that night to give me my sense of self-worth back, which is something I had lost along time ago. This Thanksgiving, it was more than a vacation or a get together for me. I was revitalized. I was given something that I had lost along time ago and this time I do not intend to handle it so lightly. I realized why we make the sacrifices for our family that we do and why moments like the multiple I had this weekend are so rare and so important. My family is part of who I am. I had lost who I was and they gave that back to me. I now realize why people start families and why so much pride is taken when we talk about our families. Its because they are us, and always will be us.
I'm not afraid anymore. I was afraid of making a mistake and making myself look bad or stupid or whatever and in the process I learned what it was like to live with regret. I learned what it feels like to live and think "what if" or "maybe" about people and things in my life and I hate that I let life do that to me. I have thought "what if" for 10 years and it felt like a long time until it was gone. Whats funny is that after 10 years emotions can change and most of the time they do. But those special ones, those almost untouchable ones for your kids or spouse or Uncle/Bear hybrid stay the same. I experienced both of those situations this weekend and I have no intention on waiting another 10 years to say something about the ones that have stayed the same.
What does the future hold for me? I don't know. Last weekend I could have probably thrown a guess out there that I thought would be right and it probably involved me being alone by choice. But now? After this weekend, I don't know. But I know who I want there, and I don't intend to let them just walk away like they did all those years ago.
For Thanksgiving this year, my family and I decided that the usual Arizona 85 degree Thanksgiving was not for us. We wanted to go home. There were a couple reasons, other than just the holiday, that we made the 585 mile trek across the desert, through L.A. and back to the warm embrace of a marine layer and a mild poo/manure stench. One reason being that we had not seen most of our extended family for a major holiday in about 5 years and it was time to get in some R-and-R and catch up with the Aunts/Uncles/Friends/Cousins who are taller than me now (jerks). Another being that my Grandfather, who was a World War II B-17 bomber Pilot in Africa for 4 years, is finally flirting with the 90's in age and we know that he is a precious commodity in short supply. With the sum of these things being greater than the cost we decided Thanksgiving this year would be done Los Osos style.
Anyone who knows me and reads this blog knows that I may tend to say things that are on my mind and that I feel what I feel. What I feel is put down here so that, even if no one reads this, I can. I can read this and remember the lessons that life teaches you and I can remember my joy, my pain, and I can identify for myself what mistakes I have made in my life and learn from them. I have not been blogging lately because I have been to afraid to make mistakes. I have been too afraid to live my life and live it with that passion that I once did. I was afraid to hurt myself again. I was too afraid to take a chance and be human. I had "turned myself off" to anything that I felt. So for 3 months I decided to become a human Popsicle (grape, in case you were wondering) and feel nothing for or from anyone. With that being said..
I arrived in Los Osos at 4:30am local time after a nearly 11 hour drive that included the first 30 miles taking 3 hours, me hallucinating from exhaustion and seeing UFO's, and my brother falling asleep about mile 200 when he was supposed to keep me awake. Thanks bro. Regardless we arrived in one piece and settled into my uncles RV to get some rest. I awoke about 5 hours later still being used to Arizona time and was unable to fall back asleep so I decided to just get up and grunt hello to my family as I headed to the bathroom. Morning greetings are merely a formality with my family if said person in not awake so for the most part, the family and relatives know to kind of leave me alone before my shower. As soon as I finished cleaning the road off me and waking up, the hugs were plentiful as were the smiles, jokes about my beard and breakfast. One thing to note, my family plus food equals an immediate bonding moment even if it is a muffin or bowl of cereal.
But it wasn't the food this time for me. It wasn't the hugs, the bonfires, the Horse-shoes games, or the football. It was the people. It was my Jolly-Green Giant cousins being almost men and having more maturity than I think I'll ever have. It was my grandmother who couldn't remember who I was, breaking my heart while shaking my hand saying "Nice to meet you". It was my Uncle, who resembles a bear this time of year (not unlike yours truly), making me feel like I could do something and be proud of it. He made me feel like I could do anything by just having me hang a dartboard and some lights in his garage. For 3 months, I had been living in my own world and in my own hole in the ground, just kind of waiting for someone to fill it up. I wasn't sure if I wanted a family of my own in this life. I wasn't sure if I wanted to get married and have kids because of all the hardship that can be. I mean, I actually smiled for pictures on this vacation, Big shit eating grins with food in my mouth and all. I cant remember that last time I did that. It took a 6'2" loud, hairy, Budweiser drinking, Bar-b-queing, hard working, shit pumping man (literally, look up Al's Pumping Service) to give me my pride back. It took me hanging lights in his garage so we could play darts that night to give me my sense of self-worth back, which is something I had lost along time ago. This Thanksgiving, it was more than a vacation or a get together for me. I was revitalized. I was given something that I had lost along time ago and this time I do not intend to handle it so lightly. I realized why we make the sacrifices for our family that we do and why moments like the multiple I had this weekend are so rare and so important. My family is part of who I am. I had lost who I was and they gave that back to me. I now realize why people start families and why so much pride is taken when we talk about our families. Its because they are us, and always will be us.
I'm not afraid anymore. I was afraid of making a mistake and making myself look bad or stupid or whatever and in the process I learned what it was like to live with regret. I learned what it feels like to live and think "what if" or "maybe" about people and things in my life and I hate that I let life do that to me. I have thought "what if" for 10 years and it felt like a long time until it was gone. Whats funny is that after 10 years emotions can change and most of the time they do. But those special ones, those almost untouchable ones for your kids or spouse or Uncle/Bear hybrid stay the same. I experienced both of those situations this weekend and I have no intention on waiting another 10 years to say something about the ones that have stayed the same.
What does the future hold for me? I don't know. Last weekend I could have probably thrown a guess out there that I thought would be right and it probably involved me being alone by choice. But now? After this weekend, I don't know. But I know who I want there, and I don't intend to let them just walk away like they did all those years ago.
Quick Update
Hey everyone =]
Happy thanksgiving and start to the holiday season. I had a great holiday with great friends and family. Learned some lessons about myself and my life that I had forgotten. Stay tuned because I'll be trying to post something this week in between moving and working.
<3
Happy thanksgiving and start to the holiday season. I had a great holiday with great friends and family. Learned some lessons about myself and my life that I had forgotten. Stay tuned because I'll be trying to post something this week in between moving and working.
<3
7.27.2010
Are you willing..?
So this was rough. Rough to talk about or think about. I guess that I need to preface what I'm talking about but I'm lazy. Sorry. I posted on facebook a week or 2 ago that I had a revelation about relationships and now I'm going to look at people differently from now on because of it.
Ill say this first. Recently I have been exposed to a lot of older couples. Not senior citizens by any means but older couples. People who have been married and have seen almost every facet of each other, good and bad. I have noticed 2 very glaring differences in these couples. They are either more in love with each other than the day they were married, or barely talk to each other. So I, because this is what i do, started wondering why they were the way they were. Now clearly I'm no marriage councilor and I have no professional training on diagnosing said differences so take this with a grain of salt. Anyways, so later I'm at home and I hear a discussion happening between my Mom and Dad. My mom is shouting (over the 7 industrial fans blowing in the house) about something on the news that we were having a discussion on the night before. My step-father is a pretty well informed man, he reads the news paper and reads a collection of other printed materials so he was already informed of the latest developments of this event. My mother, still shouting, say "Aren't you going to change the channel?!" and my step father shakes his head and keeps chopping whatever it was he was making for dinner.
So here is where all this is going. I believe there comes a point in any relationship where either one or both parties subconsciously decide "Eff it". They make a decision to just not comply anymore. Sure they still go to work, they still come home every night (well most do) and they still sit in that chair they always sit in and watch that show they always watch. Somewhere in the psyche of this person who is rebelling against their spouse is this little voice that is telling them to keep pushing, don't do what he/she tells you or has been telling you all these years. What happened before this? What happened before that little voice was even a whisper? They complied. They submitted, if that's a better word. All those little things, "Honey, grab me a water bottle" "Honey, Turn off the TV real quick" "Honey, can you do _____ for me". They just submitted all the time and now they have decided to stop submitting. They decided to do what they want to do now, regardless of what else might be going on. In my opinion, this is only a natural human response after complying to your families needs for so long. One becomes selfish minded after so long and decides to do what they want. I'm not condoning the behavior but if I'm looking at the situation in a logical mind set, the dots connect for me.
On the flip side there are people/couples who never reach this point and are happy from day 1 till the end. I don't want you to think that these people are the extremely self centered, self concerned people that I'm making them out to be. Sooner or later we all think of our own happiness and evaluate weather it is up to our happiness standard, and if it is not, we do something about it. Personally I cant go like... more than a month with out seeing a movie because its something I love doing and it makes me happy. The person I'm describing simply has chosen to make them self happy by doing what they want to do now. It is, in my experience, usually small things first. Like not changing the channel just because they want you too. Or not taking the dog out because you are watching something interesting on TV and you simply don't want to get up. It becomes a problem when spouses realize whats going on and start bickering and so on but I'm not here to give my opinion on that.
What this is all boiling down to is how I applied it to my life. I am not currently in a relationship but a keen observer of them and how people act. The realization that this may be my future (the cataclysmic change of mind set from Family to me) has got me thinking about relationships differently all together. When I think about girls I am interested, I start to evaluate weather I would make the choice one day to just stop complying with what they want because I want something different. I start to wonder if I would turn into that self centered A-hole (more so than now lol) and if we would turn into that couple sitting at the same table not talking to each other. I'm sure they didn't intend for it to be that way when they got married but lots of things turn into what you never thought it would. I have to say on the flip side, that I have more respect than I can express for the Men/Women in lifetime relationships that never get sour and always persevere through the hard times. I cant say how many times I have desired what they have. They have the person that completes them. The Person that is the Yin to their Yang, the Butter to their waffle, the Seasoning salt to their French fries... sorry, I'm starving right now. My point is that they have found their other half, and I cant help but wonder, when I find my other half, will I take it for granted 20-30 years down the road? Or will I love and cherish them for their and my entire life?
I can assure you this, it will be my never ending goal to make sure that I am never sour.
Ill say this first. Recently I have been exposed to a lot of older couples. Not senior citizens by any means but older couples. People who have been married and have seen almost every facet of each other, good and bad. I have noticed 2 very glaring differences in these couples. They are either more in love with each other than the day they were married, or barely talk to each other. So I, because this is what i do, started wondering why they were the way they were. Now clearly I'm no marriage councilor and I have no professional training on diagnosing said differences so take this with a grain of salt. Anyways, so later I'm at home and I hear a discussion happening between my Mom and Dad. My mom is shouting (over the 7 industrial fans blowing in the house) about something on the news that we were having a discussion on the night before. My step-father is a pretty well informed man, he reads the news paper and reads a collection of other printed materials so he was already informed of the latest developments of this event. My mother, still shouting, say "Aren't you going to change the channel?!" and my step father shakes his head and keeps chopping whatever it was he was making for dinner.
So here is where all this is going. I believe there comes a point in any relationship where either one or both parties subconsciously decide "Eff it". They make a decision to just not comply anymore. Sure they still go to work, they still come home every night (well most do) and they still sit in that chair they always sit in and watch that show they always watch. Somewhere in the psyche of this person who is rebelling against their spouse is this little voice that is telling them to keep pushing, don't do what he/she tells you or has been telling you all these years. What happened before this? What happened before that little voice was even a whisper? They complied. They submitted, if that's a better word. All those little things, "Honey, grab me a water bottle" "Honey, Turn off the TV real quick" "Honey, can you do _____ for me". They just submitted all the time and now they have decided to stop submitting. They decided to do what they want to do now, regardless of what else might be going on. In my opinion, this is only a natural human response after complying to your families needs for so long. One becomes selfish minded after so long and decides to do what they want. I'm not condoning the behavior but if I'm looking at the situation in a logical mind set, the dots connect for me.
On the flip side there are people/couples who never reach this point and are happy from day 1 till the end. I don't want you to think that these people are the extremely self centered, self concerned people that I'm making them out to be. Sooner or later we all think of our own happiness and evaluate weather it is up to our happiness standard, and if it is not, we do something about it. Personally I cant go like... more than a month with out seeing a movie because its something I love doing and it makes me happy. The person I'm describing simply has chosen to make them self happy by doing what they want to do now. It is, in my experience, usually small things first. Like not changing the channel just because they want you too. Or not taking the dog out because you are watching something interesting on TV and you simply don't want to get up. It becomes a problem when spouses realize whats going on and start bickering and so on but I'm not here to give my opinion on that.
What this is all boiling down to is how I applied it to my life. I am not currently in a relationship but a keen observer of them and how people act. The realization that this may be my future (the cataclysmic change of mind set from Family to me) has got me thinking about relationships differently all together. When I think about girls I am interested, I start to evaluate weather I would make the choice one day to just stop complying with what they want because I want something different. I start to wonder if I would turn into that self centered A-hole (more so than now lol) and if we would turn into that couple sitting at the same table not talking to each other. I'm sure they didn't intend for it to be that way when they got married but lots of things turn into what you never thought it would. I have to say on the flip side, that I have more respect than I can express for the Men/Women in lifetime relationships that never get sour and always persevere through the hard times. I cant say how many times I have desired what they have. They have the person that completes them. The Person that is the Yin to their Yang, the Butter to their waffle, the Seasoning salt to their French fries... sorry, I'm starving right now. My point is that they have found their other half, and I cant help but wonder, when I find my other half, will I take it for granted 20-30 years down the road? Or will I love and cherish them for their and my entire life?
I can assure you this, it will be my never ending goal to make sure that I am never sour.
7.22.2010
Holy Bikini Bottoms Batman!
Plans for the weekend:
Wash Truck.
uhh.... what else..
Oh!
Oil Change.
..
drawing a blank here..
..
Maybe Volleyball on Saturday morning? If I wake up on time.
OHHHHHHH! Wait. I want to see Inception. Heck yes.
--
So I saw District 9 a couple nights ago. I enjoy movies for a couple reasons. The story, execution or the story and most importantly.. the Special effects. I'm a guy.. deal with it. Anyways, I loved it. Story was solid, they executed it well by splicing the Documentary/real footage format, shows that everyone has the capacity for good and bad and that what it comes down to is choosing if you want to hate someone/something different or accept it for what it is and embrace it. I have heard/read a lot of feedback on how people hated the ending but you were given every indication that it was going to end that way from about the 1 hour mark of the movie. Hollywood dictates that he be saved in the end via something miraculous and everyone is made happy but had that occurred in this movie, i would have been indifferent. The reason I'm not indifferent is because it ended in the way that it should have. I wont give it away for those of you who haven't seen it but I assure you, the ending is one that reflects that of real life... Had aliens come here and we oppress them and so on and so forth.
I also Have to say that going into this movie, I expected for a somewhat believable ending given the premise of the movie. That sounds crazy I know but hear me out. Its presented as a documentary in the beginning so that tells me its going to be a plot that is believable even though it involves aliens and stuff. The way the aliens in the beginning were here, but not doing anything, and we went up to their ship and broke in essentially to find them all dying and helped them told me that we would assume superiority to them. Which naturally leads to us oppressing them because they are not like us. I'm getting off track here, my point is that the ending is what you should have expected. Not what you hoped it would be. Regardless, I loved it and they start shooting the sequel in October.
I cant wait
Wash Truck.
uhh.... what else..
Oh!
Oil Change.
..
drawing a blank here..
..
Maybe Volleyball on Saturday morning? If I wake up on time.
OHHHHHHH! Wait. I want to see Inception. Heck yes.
--
So I saw District 9 a couple nights ago. I enjoy movies for a couple reasons. The story, execution or the story and most importantly.. the Special effects. I'm a guy.. deal with it. Anyways, I loved it. Story was solid, they executed it well by splicing the Documentary/real footage format, shows that everyone has the capacity for good and bad and that what it comes down to is choosing if you want to hate someone/something different or accept it for what it is and embrace it. I have heard/read a lot of feedback on how people hated the ending but you were given every indication that it was going to end that way from about the 1 hour mark of the movie. Hollywood dictates that he be saved in the end via something miraculous and everyone is made happy but had that occurred in this movie, i would have been indifferent. The reason I'm not indifferent is because it ended in the way that it should have. I wont give it away for those of you who haven't seen it but I assure you, the ending is one that reflects that of real life... Had aliens come here and we oppress them and so on and so forth.
I also Have to say that going into this movie, I expected for a somewhat believable ending given the premise of the movie. That sounds crazy I know but hear me out. Its presented as a documentary in the beginning so that tells me its going to be a plot that is believable even though it involves aliens and stuff. The way the aliens in the beginning were here, but not doing anything, and we went up to their ship and broke in essentially to find them all dying and helped them told me that we would assume superiority to them. Which naturally leads to us oppressing them because they are not like us. I'm getting off track here, my point is that the ending is what you should have expected. Not what you hoped it would be. Regardless, I loved it and they start shooting the sequel in October.
I cant wait
6.06.2010
So I put my hands up...
I'm bored so I'm going to write a bit. I hope you all are doing well. I have been doing pretty good, I started going to the gym again and playing a lot of Sand volleyball too. I have reconnected with a lot of my old v-ball friends which is is awesome. I forgot how much I missed a lot of these guys when I moved to Chandler. I started a new job on May 3rd and I am starting to learn a lot about myself with this new job.
I am finally learning that I need to find a creative outlet and make money with it. I hate.. HATE being on a phone for work. Everyone said that they were proud of me for finding a good job and I was really relieved to find a place that is going to pay me well and give me benefits and all that. Don't get me wrong, I like all of that stuff, but I have had this desire for about 3-4 months to start writing comedy and trying to do stand up. I have a running list of things that I think are funny and am going to try and start writing a bit and working out how I want it to sound. I find myself thinking about it everyday and wanting it more and more. Some people want a family and kids and that "American Dream" life. Some people want to smoke crack and be junkies. I want to be a comic. I want to be myself for a change. I hate feeling like I cant say what I want to say because I'm afraid of hurting peoples feelings. I feel like this is an outlet where I can be 100% me. Sure people will criticize you or not like you or whatever but that is life, you cant be liked by everyone and I think trying to become a comic is not only my dream but a lesson for me to come out of my shell and just be myself. I was never allowed to be myself as a teen and I think I have finally found my voice.
However, in the never ending quest to destroy my own happiness, i come up with reasons why I can't do what it is that I want to do. So I tell myself "I need to pay off all this debt before I can do anything". "I cant go back to school because I cant afford more debt right now". I don't know if those things I say to myself are wisdom, or carefully disguised self miss-guiding statements. Sometimes I wonder If I should just go for it and throw caution to the wind or be cautious and plan out the order of events and how I want them to happen. I feel really venerable right now in terms of my financial state so taking a risk is just not something I want to do right now. Not that I would quit my job or anything but I think we all know that being a comedian/show business is anything but stable. I suppose that is something that just comes with the territory and getting used to that will be another place for growth for me.
---
I would like to change topics for a moment and reflect on some more personal things that have been on my mind lately. Mostly bad things have been occurring lately and I'm not sure if this is some test to see how I handle these things or if its just a bad run. My band just found out that our Ex-Drummer (who controlled the iTunes account) was pocketing all the money from our online music sales. Initially this made me very angry due to the fact that the band has no money to begin with. He was making $100 to $200 withdrawls on a semi regular basis. This is the same drummer who sold his Drum kit without telling us. The same kit that the band paid $800 out of $2000 for it. As you can tell, this is a frustrating situation. Right now I'm over being mad at him and floating somewhere between forgiveness and holding a grudge. I'm troubled because I want to forgive him but I find myself still not wanting to return his text messages and wanting to just not be around him in general. I'm trying to not hold a grudge and I cant tell if this current set of behavior from me is because I'm still mad at him or because I'm holding it against him. I fell like I should mention that I went to church with this guy for like 5 years and he claims to love Jesus, therefor I hold him to a higher standard as I do myself. I think that's why this has cut me so deep. In the end he was/is a liar and a thief. I don't know, I just want to forgive him but I also never want to see his face again. This all happened about 4 days ago so maybe its still a little too fresh in my mind.
Hope everyone is well. As Always, trying to be more disciplined with my schedule of posting updates, but who am I kidding.
<3
I am finally learning that I need to find a creative outlet and make money with it. I hate.. HATE being on a phone for work. Everyone said that they were proud of me for finding a good job and I was really relieved to find a place that is going to pay me well and give me benefits and all that. Don't get me wrong, I like all of that stuff, but I have had this desire for about 3-4 months to start writing comedy and trying to do stand up. I have a running list of things that I think are funny and am going to try and start writing a bit and working out how I want it to sound. I find myself thinking about it everyday and wanting it more and more. Some people want a family and kids and that "American Dream" life. Some people want to smoke crack and be junkies. I want to be a comic. I want to be myself for a change. I hate feeling like I cant say what I want to say because I'm afraid of hurting peoples feelings. I feel like this is an outlet where I can be 100% me. Sure people will criticize you or not like you or whatever but that is life, you cant be liked by everyone and I think trying to become a comic is not only my dream but a lesson for me to come out of my shell and just be myself. I was never allowed to be myself as a teen and I think I have finally found my voice.
However, in the never ending quest to destroy my own happiness, i come up with reasons why I can't do what it is that I want to do. So I tell myself "I need to pay off all this debt before I can do anything". "I cant go back to school because I cant afford more debt right now". I don't know if those things I say to myself are wisdom, or carefully disguised self miss-guiding statements. Sometimes I wonder If I should just go for it and throw caution to the wind or be cautious and plan out the order of events and how I want them to happen. I feel really venerable right now in terms of my financial state so taking a risk is just not something I want to do right now. Not that I would quit my job or anything but I think we all know that being a comedian/show business is anything but stable. I suppose that is something that just comes with the territory and getting used to that will be another place for growth for me.
---
I would like to change topics for a moment and reflect on some more personal things that have been on my mind lately. Mostly bad things have been occurring lately and I'm not sure if this is some test to see how I handle these things or if its just a bad run. My band just found out that our Ex-Drummer (who controlled the iTunes account) was pocketing all the money from our online music sales. Initially this made me very angry due to the fact that the band has no money to begin with. He was making $100 to $200 withdrawls on a semi regular basis. This is the same drummer who sold his Drum kit without telling us. The same kit that the band paid $800 out of $2000 for it. As you can tell, this is a frustrating situation. Right now I'm over being mad at him and floating somewhere between forgiveness and holding a grudge. I'm troubled because I want to forgive him but I find myself still not wanting to return his text messages and wanting to just not be around him in general. I'm trying to not hold a grudge and I cant tell if this current set of behavior from me is because I'm still mad at him or because I'm holding it against him. I fell like I should mention that I went to church with this guy for like 5 years and he claims to love Jesus, therefor I hold him to a higher standard as I do myself. I think that's why this has cut me so deep. In the end he was/is a liar and a thief. I don't know, I just want to forgive him but I also never want to see his face again. This all happened about 4 days ago so maybe its still a little too fresh in my mind.
Hope everyone is well. As Always, trying to be more disciplined with my schedule of posting updates, but who am I kidding.
<3
5.20.2010
Lunch Time
I'm about to go to lunch and I felt like saying something. Go Lakers. Actually, funny thing happened to me last week that I wanted to share. First, some back story.
As you may know the Phoenix Suns exercised demons in the Semi-final found of the playoffs this year by sweeping the San Antonio Spurs. The media in phoenix was foaming at the mouth during this series for a couple reasons. 1) the spurs are hated rivals. 2) They are notoriously dirty players (Nash broken nose, Horry hockey-style checking of Nash into the scorers table and Bowen stepping on people's feet as they go for jump shots, etc). 3) the spurs looked highly beatable and old with guys like Duncan, Parker and Gionobli. So the sweep occurred, there was redemption in the city of phoenix and all this while there is an immigration act that was being (and still is) hotly discussed. I'm not going to talk about the bill in this blog so no head shaking or anything like that, OK? good. So at this point, if you are a Suns fan, you are worked into a frenzy because sports immortality only occurs so often in phoenix and your Phoenix suns are in the Western Conference Finals. So who better to go through than the defending world champion Los Angeles Lakers. The Cross hair has been set, the enemy is now Kobe Bryant and the Lakers.
Ok back to me. So there I was, 7:04am going South bound on the I-17. Nearest car in front of me was about 200 yards away and about the same distance was the nearest car behind me. Perhaps I suffer from early morning partial blindness or maybe I am just completely unaware of whats going on around me but a car came out of nowhere and cut me off while getting into the fast lane, which is where I was driving. So right then I was thinking a couple things. "wtf?, there is NO ONE around me. How can you cut someone off so bad when there is tons of room". So as any young man in his mid-twenties would do, I honk at him. Not a "you-cut-me-off-you-Ahole" honk, but a "hey-Im-here-just-letting-you-know-that-we-dont-do-that-to-people-when- you-have-400-yards-to-change-lanes" honk (pretty standard, really).
Part 1.a of the story is that the evening before I had put a good sized Lakers sticker on the back window of my truck the night before. It wasn't as big or as obnoxious as some of the suns stickers I have seen out here but it wasn't small by any means. Like 8 inches long and 2 inches tall. My thought process is that If people can roll around here supporting their favorite teams, no reason I shouldn't be able too. Not to mention I lived in Sacramento for a year as a laker fan and survived so this would be a piece of cake.
So, after honking at the man who cut me off he decided to change lanes into the carpool lane (that's to the left of the fast lane) and started slowing down and after a couple seconds he was even with me on the freeway. I'm going to Pause the story here because there are a couple things that could happen..
Situation 1) He flips me off, I laugh and he drives off.
As you may know the Phoenix Suns exercised demons in the Semi-final found of the playoffs this year by sweeping the San Antonio Spurs. The media in phoenix was foaming at the mouth during this series for a couple reasons. 1) the spurs are hated rivals. 2) They are notoriously dirty players (Nash broken nose, Horry hockey-style checking of Nash into the scorers table and Bowen stepping on people's feet as they go for jump shots, etc). 3) the spurs looked highly beatable and old with guys like Duncan, Parker and Gionobli. So the sweep occurred, there was redemption in the city of phoenix and all this while there is an immigration act that was being (and still is) hotly discussed. I'm not going to talk about the bill in this blog so no head shaking or anything like that, OK? good. So at this point, if you are a Suns fan, you are worked into a frenzy because sports immortality only occurs so often in phoenix and your Phoenix suns are in the Western Conference Finals. So who better to go through than the defending world champion Los Angeles Lakers. The Cross hair has been set, the enemy is now Kobe Bryant and the Lakers.
Ok back to me. So there I was, 7:04am going South bound on the I-17. Nearest car in front of me was about 200 yards away and about the same distance was the nearest car behind me. Perhaps I suffer from early morning partial blindness or maybe I am just completely unaware of whats going on around me but a car came out of nowhere and cut me off while getting into the fast lane, which is where I was driving. So right then I was thinking a couple things. "wtf?, there is NO ONE around me. How can you cut someone off so bad when there is tons of room". So as any young man in his mid-twenties would do, I honk at him. Not a "you-cut-me-off-you-Ahole" honk, but a "hey-Im-here-just-letting-you-know-that-we-dont-do-that-to-people-when- you-have-400-yards-to-change-lanes" honk (pretty standard, really).
Part 1.a of the story is that the evening before I had put a good sized Lakers sticker on the back window of my truck the night before. It wasn't as big or as obnoxious as some of the suns stickers I have seen out here but it wasn't small by any means. Like 8 inches long and 2 inches tall. My thought process is that If people can roll around here supporting their favorite teams, no reason I shouldn't be able too. Not to mention I lived in Sacramento for a year as a laker fan and survived so this would be a piece of cake.
So, after honking at the man who cut me off he decided to change lanes into the carpool lane (that's to the left of the fast lane) and started slowing down and after a couple seconds he was even with me on the freeway. I'm going to Pause the story here because there are a couple things that could happen..
Situation 1) He flips me off, I laugh and he drives off.
Situation 2) I give him the "wtf" look, he yells something That I obviously cant hear, menacing glances are exchanged then one of us speeds up or slows down just to get away from the other.
Situation 3) He pulls a gun out, shoots out my tires and I Mission Impossible style leap from my slowing, crippled car on top of his and we have a fight to control his vehicle careening down the interstate (I wont lie, was kind of hoping this one happened)
I went for the option 2, I gave him the "wtf" face. I would have never guessed in a million years what he said next. I watched and read his lips has he mouthed...
"Eff you Laker fan."
4.26.2010
So Full but So Empty
Hello friends.
I am in the midst of something revolutionary happening in me. I have come to the realization that my life, everything I have ever loved or wanted, and all the things around me have led me to one certain and nearly unattainable destiny. I have never felt a burning passionate love for anyone in my life. I have never loved enough to die for someone or to care really all that much at all as a matter of fact, save for 2 people. I am sorry for most of you as you most likely are hurt by this, but save that because I hardly believe that you can say the opposite in regards to my well being. Looking back at all the people that have ever said they loved me while being at church, consider yourself among the liars of this world. Something said at church just to make yourself feel better for being a selfish, self minded person will only get you so far before you realize that you are no different. You are a sheep and you are a meal ticket for a pastor who doesn't know your name to eat and feed his kids. There has only ever been 2 people I actually believe meant it. To the rest, it was a lie.
I can say that what I do love, I love deeply and whole heartily. I love to the point in which it hurts me sometimes. As such, my love for music is no different. I can say that, with all of me, that music will always be my one and only love. Nothing in me stirs more emotion, more conviction or more joy than that which music has given me. Perhaps I am the only person I know that feels this way. Music has never broken my heart, it has never stabbed me in the back, it has never been friends with my Ex's on facebook.
After 25 years of living and breathing and dying a little each day, I have come to see who and what I am. I don't know if I'm cut out to have a family. I don't know if I'm cut out to have kids or a wife or any of that bullshit everyone on this planet seeks. Maybe I am the only one who knows what it is like to unconditionally love, then fall to the bottom of the ocean when it turns out that they just pushed you away. I wont deny that I desire the one true love manifested in a woman. However I cannot help but feel... empty. So full but so empty.
What I am trying to say is that I was put on this earth to make music. To Love my true love everyday. And I will be Damned that I don't see it through. I have so much more to say but cant even begin to explain. So many people have meant so many things to me and they have all come to the same conclusion in my life, they have left. What kind of life is it to lead when you cannot count on the very people that brought you into it.
So full and yet so hopelessly empty.
I am in the midst of something revolutionary happening in me. I have come to the realization that my life, everything I have ever loved or wanted, and all the things around me have led me to one certain and nearly unattainable destiny. I have never felt a burning passionate love for anyone in my life. I have never loved enough to die for someone or to care really all that much at all as a matter of fact, save for 2 people. I am sorry for most of you as you most likely are hurt by this, but save that because I hardly believe that you can say the opposite in regards to my well being. Looking back at all the people that have ever said they loved me while being at church, consider yourself among the liars of this world. Something said at church just to make yourself feel better for being a selfish, self minded person will only get you so far before you realize that you are no different. You are a sheep and you are a meal ticket for a pastor who doesn't know your name to eat and feed his kids. There has only ever been 2 people I actually believe meant it. To the rest, it was a lie.
I can say that what I do love, I love deeply and whole heartily. I love to the point in which it hurts me sometimes. As such, my love for music is no different. I can say that, with all of me, that music will always be my one and only love. Nothing in me stirs more emotion, more conviction or more joy than that which music has given me. Perhaps I am the only person I know that feels this way. Music has never broken my heart, it has never stabbed me in the back, it has never been friends with my Ex's on facebook.
After 25 years of living and breathing and dying a little each day, I have come to see who and what I am. I don't know if I'm cut out to have a family. I don't know if I'm cut out to have kids or a wife or any of that bullshit everyone on this planet seeks. Maybe I am the only one who knows what it is like to unconditionally love, then fall to the bottom of the ocean when it turns out that they just pushed you away. I wont deny that I desire the one true love manifested in a woman. However I cannot help but feel... empty. So full but so empty.
What I am trying to say is that I was put on this earth to make music. To Love my true love everyday. And I will be Damned that I don't see it through. I have so much more to say but cant even begin to explain. So many people have meant so many things to me and they have all come to the same conclusion in my life, they have left. What kind of life is it to lead when you cannot count on the very people that brought you into it.
So full and yet so hopelessly empty.
12.18.2009
Shameful Behavior
This is going to be somewhat a two-parter of a blog entry, and I wont lie, this could get messy. Well, enough with the blue balling, I'll get right to it.
Situation 1: Hypothetical (which means a real situation with names removed)
In some crazy cosmic coincidence, you (imagine yourself as a love drunk 25 year old male) end up painting your girlfriends toenails. I know, as disgusting as that might sound, it happened. You know it, she knows it, and now every one of her friends on facebook knows it because she posted a picture of you doing it. Now all her friends are commenting on it and, if you will allow me, I will share some of those comments. As always, names are removed to protect the author of the comment. Instead, I will replace their names with an attempt at a comical stereotype that will most likely be offensive.
Blonde twenty-something female posted; "OMG that is sooooo cute!"
Blonde pre-twenty-something female posted; "Wow, (generic boyfriend name) never paints MY toe nails, your BF is the best!"
Person who is disgusted by this blatant lack of manhood and feels a sociological obligation to put and end to the madness posted; ".... "
If you couldn't tell who the last poster was, it was me. Yes, shocking as it may seem. Silence seems to be my least used weapon when fighting the battle for men everywhere (another shocker, I know) but this time I felt my silent indignation towards this blasphemy to all men would be justified and people (read: women) will know that this shameful behaviour is simply not acceptable in Mandom. The madness did not end there...
Blonde female getting her toes painted in the picture posted; "Oh Josh, just wait till you are painting your girlfriend's toenails ;-)"
Annoying short blonde High school student posted; "haha if he ever gets one! Lol jusss playin!"
I'm going to be the bigger man here (and try not to critisize the lack of grammar for one thing) and let a couple of things that I have to say about these last two posts slide. Too bad that forgive/ignore sentiment only lasted for about 3 seconds. So those things I'm letting slide are being replaced with a couple gems I have come up with.
You will never EVER see me doing anything like painting my girlfriends toe nails. First of all, that disgusting, those are her feet. All you females out there might say something about being in love and doing anything for the love of your life blah blah blah but you know what? I have been in love. Yes, the cold, callus, rock hard heart I now possess was once less cold, callus and less rock hard. Think of it in terms of rock layers in the earth. It used to be like the topsoil, now its more like the granite that's a couple layers down, but enough of that poorly executed analogy. I'm simply not going to do it because there is something major that I have to consider. Its called the Man-card. That's right, the coveted Man-card. The man card is the proverbial membership that every man is a part of from the moment you are born. Its an understood, seldomly spoken of collaboration of all men world wide. One of self governace, honor and pride. Once you lose your man-card, you are never looked at the same way. Here as an example.
You are walking through the mall and you see some guy walking around, holding hands with his girlfriend. She is carrying nothing while he is carrying her purse. So you, being a fellow man, think "Well ok, maybe she needed to tie her shoe and he is just holding it for her". A perfectly reasonable explanation for the situation. Then you realize, wait a minute, they are just strolling along window shopping and going into the pottery barn and the like home decor businesses. Looking at rugs and nodding their heads like they are some experts on the Eastern-Mediterranean styling of this throw rug that they are about to purchase from a store somewhere in mid-suburbia USA.
Then it hits you. The purse is his! It was a Gift from her! The only thing you can utter from your trembling lips is "...m-m.. m-MANCARD!" You would be absolutely correct in your declaration or this mans' newly missing piece of man-proving critera. Purse guy has had his man-card taken from the lady that purchased him that purse. Oh sure, they will call it something else, "shoulder bag" or my favorite, "European-whatever-bag". OK like I have never seen a picture of cities in Europe/been to Europe and you want me to believe that all the guys over there have purses. Reality check - they don't, ok? I'm not an idiot. Make no mistake though, he could have preserved his man card. He could have not worn the purse and kept a wallet like every other guy out there but no, she took his man card the moment he donned that shiny black leather purse with the gold buckle on the front.
There isn't much lost in translation if you apply that to painting toe nails that happen to be your girlfriends. I would like to take a moment to ponder this in writing. If he (said toe nail painter) were, oh I don't know, painting his own toe nails, he would just be really weird but wouldn't lose his man card over it. The fact that is in the picture, he was on all fours, hunched over with a little bottle of purple polish, and the little brush, painting a toe nail while she was sitting on a chair above him destroys any pride he should have left as a man. Not only are you completely devoid of any dignity you might have had left, but this action now shreds your man card into tiny man-card pieces.
Well i hope we can all learn a valuable lesson from this. Man-cards are irreplaceable (unless you can pull off something freaking huge, like wrestling a bull and winning or catching a bullet in your bare hands or something) and if you are going to do something that you know you will lose your man-card over, at least make sure no one is taking pictures of it.
Situation 1: Hypothetical (which means a real situation with names removed)
In some crazy cosmic coincidence, you (imagine yourself as a love drunk 25 year old male) end up painting your girlfriends toenails. I know, as disgusting as that might sound, it happened. You know it, she knows it, and now every one of her friends on facebook knows it because she posted a picture of you doing it. Now all her friends are commenting on it and, if you will allow me, I will share some of those comments. As always, names are removed to protect the author of the comment. Instead, I will replace their names with an attempt at a comical stereotype that will most likely be offensive.
Blonde twenty-something female posted; "OMG that is sooooo cute!"
Blonde pre-twenty-something female posted; "Wow, (generic boyfriend name) never paints MY toe nails, your BF is the best!"
Person who is disgusted by this blatant lack of manhood and feels a sociological obligation to put and end to the madness posted; ".... "
If you couldn't tell who the last poster was, it was me. Yes, shocking as it may seem. Silence seems to be my least used weapon when fighting the battle for men everywhere (another shocker, I know) but this time I felt my silent indignation towards this blasphemy to all men would be justified and people (read: women) will know that this shameful behaviour is simply not acceptable in Mandom. The madness did not end there...
Blonde female getting her toes painted in the picture posted; "Oh Josh, just wait till you are painting your girlfriend's toenails ;-)"
Annoying short blonde High school student posted; "haha if he ever gets one! Lol jusss playin!"
I'm going to be the bigger man here (and try not to critisize the lack of grammar for one thing) and let a couple of things that I have to say about these last two posts slide. Too bad that forgive/ignore sentiment only lasted for about 3 seconds. So those things I'm letting slide are being replaced with a couple gems I have come up with.
You will never EVER see me doing anything like painting my girlfriends toe nails. First of all, that disgusting, those are her feet. All you females out there might say something about being in love and doing anything for the love of your life blah blah blah but you know what? I have been in love. Yes, the cold, callus, rock hard heart I now possess was once less cold, callus and less rock hard. Think of it in terms of rock layers in the earth. It used to be like the topsoil, now its more like the granite that's a couple layers down, but enough of that poorly executed analogy. I'm simply not going to do it because there is something major that I have to consider. Its called the Man-card. That's right, the coveted Man-card. The man card is the proverbial membership that every man is a part of from the moment you are born. Its an understood, seldomly spoken of collaboration of all men world wide. One of self governace, honor and pride. Once you lose your man-card, you are never looked at the same way. Here as an example.
You are walking through the mall and you see some guy walking around, holding hands with his girlfriend. She is carrying nothing while he is carrying her purse. So you, being a fellow man, think "Well ok, maybe she needed to tie her shoe and he is just holding it for her". A perfectly reasonable explanation for the situation. Then you realize, wait a minute, they are just strolling along window shopping and going into the pottery barn and the like home decor businesses. Looking at rugs and nodding their heads like they are some experts on the Eastern-Mediterranean styling of this throw rug that they are about to purchase from a store somewhere in mid-suburbia USA.
Then it hits you. The purse is his! It was a Gift from her! The only thing you can utter from your trembling lips is "...m-m.. m-MANCARD!" You would be absolutely correct in your declaration or this mans' newly missing piece of man-proving critera. Purse guy has had his man-card taken from the lady that purchased him that purse. Oh sure, they will call it something else, "shoulder bag" or my favorite, "European-whatever-bag". OK like I have never seen a picture of cities in Europe/been to Europe and you want me to believe that all the guys over there have purses. Reality check - they don't, ok? I'm not an idiot. Make no mistake though, he could have preserved his man card. He could have not worn the purse and kept a wallet like every other guy out there but no, she took his man card the moment he donned that shiny black leather purse with the gold buckle on the front.
There isn't much lost in translation if you apply that to painting toe nails that happen to be your girlfriends. I would like to take a moment to ponder this in writing. If he (said toe nail painter) were, oh I don't know, painting his own toe nails, he would just be really weird but wouldn't lose his man card over it. The fact that is in the picture, he was on all fours, hunched over with a little bottle of purple polish, and the little brush, painting a toe nail while she was sitting on a chair above him destroys any pride he should have left as a man. Not only are you completely devoid of any dignity you might have had left, but this action now shreds your man card into tiny man-card pieces.
Well i hope we can all learn a valuable lesson from this. Man-cards are irreplaceable (unless you can pull off something freaking huge, like wrestling a bull and winning or catching a bullet in your bare hands or something) and if you are going to do something that you know you will lose your man-card over, at least make sure no one is taking pictures of it.
11.30.2009
Nostalga
A very dangerous thing that is. Most people associate it with like an old friend or a place they grew up. I associate it with feelings. I think most people do that too so i guess I'm just talking out of my butt. The point is that it can be dangerous for me, make me want old things that I used to have because they make me feel a certain way.
I think I'm finally over the hump. Over the mountain I have been climbing for a year and a half. I have battled fits of drinking, depression, rage, hate, malice, self isolation, douche-baggy-ness, and apathy and what have I learned... beer makes you fat. No just kidding haha. I learned that all of my problems stemmed from things that I didn't like about myself. I was distant with most people I knew, I was centered around myself and what I wanted to do. Sure there were things in my life that were out of my control but my actions sure didn't help those things.
I can say finally, after a totaled car, 4 different residences, 35 pounds, 2 jobs, 1 Band and one 5'6" mistake, I'm am ready to start my life. I'm only 24... not that far behind right?
I think I'm finally over the hump. Over the mountain I have been climbing for a year and a half. I have battled fits of drinking, depression, rage, hate, malice, self isolation, douche-baggy-ness, and apathy and what have I learned... beer makes you fat. No just kidding haha. I learned that all of my problems stemmed from things that I didn't like about myself. I was distant with most people I knew, I was centered around myself and what I wanted to do. Sure there were things in my life that were out of my control but my actions sure didn't help those things.
I can say finally, after a totaled car, 4 different residences, 35 pounds, 2 jobs, 1 Band and one 5'6" mistake, I'm am ready to start my life. I'm only 24... not that far behind right?
9.16.2009
grrrrrr.....
INCOMING RANT:
WHAT IN THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!!!!! SHE'S ROCKING THE BEER GUT?!?! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!HHHH!H!H!HH!11!!!!
I was on hold with a doctor's office who was located in Houston Texas and the country music station hold music was playing this horrendous song about how the singer finds this woman's beer gut attractive. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!? really? My head is about to explode. Why is this popular? Why is this popular enough to go radio play? WHO THE EFF THINKS THIS MUSIC IS GOOD? In any way shape or form? Is this what our society is reduced to? songs... about BEER GUTS!!! Is the stupidity level getting to the point where we are not only embracing being out of shape, but writing songs to celebrate it?! Forgive me for saying this, but this proves my point that country listeners are probably dumb. Perhaps getting thrown off the mechanical bull too many times has knocked something loose in your brain and you are just suffering from a mild case or temporary stupidity but for the love of pete.. beer guts? What ever happened to musicanship? thoughtful songwriting? I thought music was an Art, not a way to make money. Beethoven is turning over in his 4 century old grave, im sure this is what he imagined for the future of music. I am so fired up right now, its not even funny. I'm feeling lightheaded from all this ranting, i need to go take a 5 min break and calm down.
On a side note: Happy National Play-doh Day.
WHAT IN THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!!!!! SHE'S ROCKING THE BEER GUT?!?! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!HHHH!H!H!HH!11!!!!
I was on hold with a doctor's office who was located in Houston Texas and the country music station hold music was playing this horrendous song about how the singer finds this woman's beer gut attractive. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!? really? My head is about to explode. Why is this popular? Why is this popular enough to go radio play? WHO THE EFF THINKS THIS MUSIC IS GOOD? In any way shape or form? Is this what our society is reduced to? songs... about BEER GUTS!!! Is the stupidity level getting to the point where we are not only embracing being out of shape, but writing songs to celebrate it?! Forgive me for saying this, but this proves my point that country listeners are probably dumb. Perhaps getting thrown off the mechanical bull too many times has knocked something loose in your brain and you are just suffering from a mild case or temporary stupidity but for the love of pete.. beer guts? What ever happened to musicanship? thoughtful songwriting? I thought music was an Art, not a way to make money. Beethoven is turning over in his 4 century old grave, im sure this is what he imagined for the future of music. I am so fired up right now, its not even funny. I'm feeling lightheaded from all this ranting, i need to go take a 5 min break and calm down.
On a side note: Happy National Play-doh Day.
9.08.2009
The last couple months
I have missed this. I have missed the therapy of writing and scrawlling my thoughts, feelings and personality across the electronic ambiguity that is the Internet. For some odd reason I feel comfort in the hustle and bustle of electrons across this alternate reality that we call the Internet. Where else can you be completely exposed and secluded at the same time? The answer is Montana but that's a different story altogether.
So its been along month or two and I feel like I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll start with some cool band stuff then just to get the ball rollin'. So I joined the band Downcast Fable about 3 months ago and we were sort of on hiatus for a while during some adjustment period but finally we started practicing again. So we practiced for about a month and had a warm up show at Chryo (Chyro?) Arts in Scottsdale and at Life way Church all the out in Buckeye. It was fun and refreshing to play live music again seeing as how I hadn't played live since 2005 for the Adventure worship/youth service (holla' if you were there!). If you know me, you know that I am not one who is reserved about many things. If fact I'm down right abrasive, opinionated and brutally honest sometimes (to my fault, admittedly). One thing I do not lack is passion and my music is no exception. I had to evaluate myself and why I love to play music when I joined the band and make sure I was doing it for the right reasons. I can say without a doubt that its the most fun and rewarding thing I have ever done in my life. Knowing that we playing our music, and people are responding positively to it. There are always the little kids that just love loud noises who say were are "AMG SO AWESOME!", and I appreciate their enthusiasm. I'm always pleased when someone I don't know, who doesn't know me compliments the music and the message. My point in mentioning the passion is that I was somewhat reserved in my on-stage antics in the first couple shows. I was being more focused on my notes rather than what I looked like and that was apparently boring to watch.. who knew? While I still hold accuracy while playing in very high importance, showing passion on stage and really connecting with the audience is almost as important as the actual music. Emery for example, I have never gone to one of their shows and left feeling disconnected from them even though they were on stage and I am just a fan. That is my goal, for you to look me in the eye and know the passion that I have for the music and the message. I could go on about this for hours but I'll spare you and myself cause I'm tired as it is.
The Band has really been consuming a lot of my time so really that's the only thing of note to talk about. The only other cool thing that's happening is I'll be moving in with my best friend and his new house in the beginning of October. It's something we have been talking about/planning since January so it nice to have the plans finally work out and share a residence with one of my closest friends.
So this was more of a "how I'm doing" blog rather than a reflective blog post but hold fast to hope friends, one is in the works. =)
-J
So its been along month or two and I feel like I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll start with some cool band stuff then just to get the ball rollin'. So I joined the band Downcast Fable about 3 months ago and we were sort of on hiatus for a while during some adjustment period but finally we started practicing again. So we practiced for about a month and had a warm up show at Chryo (Chyro?) Arts in Scottsdale and at Life way Church all the out in Buckeye. It was fun and refreshing to play live music again seeing as how I hadn't played live since 2005 for the Adventure worship/youth service (holla' if you were there!). If you know me, you know that I am not one who is reserved about many things. If fact I'm down right abrasive, opinionated and brutally honest sometimes (to my fault, admittedly). One thing I do not lack is passion and my music is no exception. I had to evaluate myself and why I love to play music when I joined the band and make sure I was doing it for the right reasons. I can say without a doubt that its the most fun and rewarding thing I have ever done in my life. Knowing that we playing our music, and people are responding positively to it. There are always the little kids that just love loud noises who say were are "AMG SO AWESOME!", and I appreciate their enthusiasm. I'm always pleased when someone I don't know, who doesn't know me compliments the music and the message. My point in mentioning the passion is that I was somewhat reserved in my on-stage antics in the first couple shows. I was being more focused on my notes rather than what I looked like and that was apparently boring to watch.. who knew? While I still hold accuracy while playing in very high importance, showing passion on stage and really connecting with the audience is almost as important as the actual music. Emery for example, I have never gone to one of their shows and left feeling disconnected from them even though they were on stage and I am just a fan. That is my goal, for you to look me in the eye and know the passion that I have for the music and the message. I could go on about this for hours but I'll spare you and myself cause I'm tired as it is.
The Band has really been consuming a lot of my time so really that's the only thing of note to talk about. The only other cool thing that's happening is I'll be moving in with my best friend and his new house in the beginning of October. It's something we have been talking about/planning since January so it nice to have the plans finally work out and share a residence with one of my closest friends.
So this was more of a "how I'm doing" blog rather than a reflective blog post but hold fast to hope friends, one is in the works. =)
-J
long time..
I know it been along time since i posted and im sure only 1 person reads this blog so Rob.. hey buddy, whats up?
I have been super busy with the band and living at home temporarily (which is fun but exhausting) so the blog has fallen by the wayside. FEAR NOT faithful reader(s)!! New blog shall be posted soon! With updates! Pics! Advertisements! Giveaways! FLASHING THINGIES!! Im not going to lie, the flashing thingies are making me excited. I dont know where they will come from but i will find them. Oh yes, you will have flashing thingies!
Anyways, peace. =)
I have been super busy with the band and living at home temporarily (which is fun but exhausting) so the blog has fallen by the wayside. FEAR NOT faithful reader(s)!! New blog shall be posted soon! With updates! Pics! Advertisements! Giveaways! FLASHING THINGIES!! Im not going to lie, the flashing thingies are making me excited. I dont know where they will come from but i will find them. Oh yes, you will have flashing thingies!
Anyways, peace. =)
6.23.2009
Busy Busy Busy
This month has sucked for me in terms of time. While working full time and have had to move back in with my mom (long story, maybe a post if I CAN GET SOME FREAKING FREE TIME) and phoenix is starting to really heat up. My car is feeling more and more like a microwave every day after work. Other than that i have been doing better on my life style changes, haven't had a soda in like a month and Fast food has been Very few and far between. I also got a... *dun duh na na* a haircut. Omg its weird having short hair again but so much easier to take care of. Anyways, just working my butt off and trying to find free time for the gym and my life. I'll try and post something epic and life changing on Friday because its my 1 day where i have nothing to do, but don't count on it. Count on it being more annoying, smelly and sarcastic as a whole.
2 minutes left on break, BATHROOOOOOMMMM GOOOOOOO!!
2 minutes left on break, BATHROOOOOOMMMM GOOOOOOO!!
5.27.2009
Old Habits Die Hard....
So I'm moving, yeah it sucks but sometimes you have to/need to and i believe this is a case of both. My roommates have always been cool, even though i think one of them is WAY overbearing on the other. I'm not going to start down that road because its a long one. Regardless, I'm moving. So i have to be out by this Sunday seeing as how its the last day of the month and i payed up through then. I have been putting off getting in shape for a long time because, well I'm lazy. It is too easy for me to be lazy where I'm living due to the Xbox 360, PS3 and Wii that are connected to our 50' TV in the living room (omg i want to play Mario cart right now...). It was FAR to easy to order pizza from hungry howies twice a week due to the fact that I know it will be delivered in under 30 min.
So sense I'm moving back in with my mom for about a month or two (its a long story that i choose not to blog about) i have decided to start exercising and eating better so that i can drop at least 30 pounds. That's my goal at least. When i re-read what i just said, it drives home the point that i have a log way to go (hahahaha *cries*).
So I arrive at work today and I am met with our chipper, energizer bunny, boarder line PCP user supervisor with a clipboard and a pen and she is writing like is 1940 and Germans are invading. Here is how the conversation went:
"HEY JOSH GOOD MORNING"
Wow that was loud. "Good morning Gina, whats with the clipboard?"
"I'm taking drink orders for the department and if people want anything to eat, do you want something?"
Such a loaded question. "So did I board an airplane or something when I came in and just didn't know it?"
"Don't be a smart ass, I'm not a flight attendant. But thats very clever."
I know i am. "I'm sorry i couldn't resist"
"So did you want something or not?"
"Can I get a Mountain Dew and some Sun Chips?"
"Yes, but only if you just be quiet the rest of the day"
"I make no guarantees"
The Mountain dew is my Kryptonite. I love it, especially with Pizza. There wasn't even hesitation in my voice when i asked for it too. This early in the morning, i knew it would be a pick-me-up so i just went for it. That is the habit I really need to break. Its like how some people cant really wake up in the morning without coffee, i cant wake up with out a mountain dew. I have been slipping into small habits like that and after a long time they really build up and impact your health. So i guess old habits die hard..
So sense I'm moving back in with my mom for about a month or two (its a long story that i choose not to blog about) i have decided to start exercising and eating better so that i can drop at least 30 pounds. That's my goal at least. When i re-read what i just said, it drives home the point that i have a log way to go (hahahaha *cries*).
So I arrive at work today and I am met with our chipper, energizer bunny, boarder line PCP user supervisor with a clipboard and a pen and she is writing like is 1940 and Germans are invading. Here is how the conversation went:
"HEY JOSH GOOD MORNING"
Wow that was loud. "Good morning Gina, whats with the clipboard?"
"I'm taking drink orders for the department and if people want anything to eat, do you want something?"
Such a loaded question. "So did I board an airplane or something when I came in and just didn't know it?"
"Don't be a smart ass, I'm not a flight attendant. But thats very clever."
I know i am. "I'm sorry i couldn't resist"
"So did you want something or not?"
"Can I get a Mountain Dew and some Sun Chips?"
"Yes, but only if you just be quiet the rest of the day"
"I make no guarantees"
The Mountain dew is my Kryptonite. I love it, especially with Pizza. There wasn't even hesitation in my voice when i asked for it too. This early in the morning, i knew it would be a pick-me-up so i just went for it. That is the habit I really need to break. Its like how some people cant really wake up in the morning without coffee, i cant wake up with out a mountain dew. I have been slipping into small habits like that and after a long time they really build up and impact your health. So i guess old habits die hard..
5.21.2009
Looking Up
"How can we still get home, How can we still get home"
Have you ever been sitting in a room or outside and taken the time to look at whats above you. Besides becoming dizzy for a couple seconds, i find my experience is usually similar to the last; weather i be indoors or outdoors. I usually make some observation of architecture and think to my self "The person who designed this tial with all the holes in it must hate their life. How proud are you to be the guy that designed the reverse outer space tial." But after an initial cynical statement or thought, my mind wanders to whats above that. The sky. Then whats above that. Space. Then whats above that. God.
I'd like to think that when i die or when he takes me home, i would have the chance to float up, through the sky and space and marvel at the creation breathed into existence in just a week. I hope that i get the chance to see these near impossible things to fathom, so that we might grasp that God is so much bigger than us. He is so much more in control than we think/he appears to be. In 7 days he made everything that we know and so many things that we dont.
It all comes rushing back to me, as i sit and look up. My brain is a weird thing in the fact that after viewing something large, i compare it to something small. Do i deserve to be here looking at this creation, in my poor eye sight that only sees the surface of what things really are? No. I dont. But Gods will has me here. Im not going to sit here and lie to myself, I have done nothing that has glorified God in a long time. Maybe because i feel guilty for denying everything i swore i believed. Maybe because i feel like living a life where i dont care is easier than living one that i do care. I know that God forgives me, and that i need to accept that and confess and give all the guilt i carry to Jesus and pray for forgiveness.
"we're forgetting our forgiveness"
Too Bright to See Too Loud to Hear -Underoath
Have you ever been sitting in a room or outside and taken the time to look at whats above you. Besides becoming dizzy for a couple seconds, i find my experience is usually similar to the last; weather i be indoors or outdoors. I usually make some observation of architecture and think to my self "The person who designed this tial with all the holes in it must hate their life. How proud are you to be the guy that designed the reverse outer space tial." But after an initial cynical statement or thought, my mind wanders to whats above that. The sky. Then whats above that. Space. Then whats above that. God.
I'd like to think that when i die or when he takes me home, i would have the chance to float up, through the sky and space and marvel at the creation breathed into existence in just a week. I hope that i get the chance to see these near impossible things to fathom, so that we might grasp that God is so much bigger than us. He is so much more in control than we think/he appears to be. In 7 days he made everything that we know and so many things that we dont.
It all comes rushing back to me, as i sit and look up. My brain is a weird thing in the fact that after viewing something large, i compare it to something small. Do i deserve to be here looking at this creation, in my poor eye sight that only sees the surface of what things really are? No. I dont. But Gods will has me here. Im not going to sit here and lie to myself, I have done nothing that has glorified God in a long time. Maybe because i feel guilty for denying everything i swore i believed. Maybe because i feel like living a life where i dont care is easier than living one that i do care. I know that God forgives me, and that i need to accept that and confess and give all the guilt i carry to Jesus and pray for forgiveness.
"we're forgetting our forgiveness"
Too Bright to See Too Loud to Hear -Underoath
5.19.2009
Update to myself
So i ate some leftover pizza yesterday. It was really good. The Hungry howies thats close to my house must put some mechanism ingredient in their pizza that triggers a craving once a week for Pizza and cinnamon bread to which you are helpless to resist, true story. Well 5am rolled around this morning and I zombied (yes, I'm using it as a verb) my way into the bathroom and did my routine. Shower, comb hair, brush teeth, the usual. This whole time my stomach has been feeling upset and i chalked it up to being hungry because I'm always hungry in the morning and usually don't eat until like 8 or 9. Well i stop at QT, get a Gatorade and am on my way to work.
I think God, in all his genius in creating our bodies, has some kind of sick and twisted sense of humor because as soon as i leave the QT.. my butt cheeks are foaming. I have got to poop something awful and the next closest stop is 2 miles away. My friend Rob will be shaking his head after he reads this but i went like 75 in a 45 to get there before i poo'd myself. Praise God i made it and was able to exorcise some demons in the QT bathroom stall.
I dont think I'm ever going to that QT again. /shudder
I think God, in all his genius in creating our bodies, has some kind of sick and twisted sense of humor because as soon as i leave the QT.. my butt cheeks are foaming. I have got to poop something awful and the next closest stop is 2 miles away. My friend Rob will be shaking his head after he reads this but i went like 75 in a 45 to get there before i poo'd myself. Praise God i made it and was able to exorcise some demons in the QT bathroom stall.
I dont think I'm ever going to that QT again. /shudder
4.14.2009
I dont have Kids
I hate writing for the sake of writing. I feel so insincere when i do it.
On an unrelated note, i have decided to start caring more. For a long time now i didn't care about anything really. Not out of a lack of motivation but a pure desire to not care about anything at all. So as a challenge to myself, I'm blogging. Asking for prayers and sharing things here that i care about and reflecting on what these things mean to me.
1. Learning new music is always fun for me. For as long as I have been playing I have wanted to play and write music with my friends. Now I have the opportunity to do so and praise God for the chance. Something i have prayed for and has been a desire of my heart for a long time. Please pray that my head stay in it for the right reasons and that I always glorify God first with this gift he has given me.
2. Settle. That word just bothers me. I feel like thats a word that people use to make them feel better about a decision they made that they dont really like. I feel like settling is something people do when they want the easy way out. I have made it my goal to never just settle. Never settle in my relationships with people, at my work, in my walk with the Lord, or in my music. She has so much going for her and is so beautiful, i just wish some how she could see that. Somehow she would realize that you dont have to live with old mistakes and bad habits, the Lord will rise you up over those things and free you from them if you ask, instead of ..settling for them. Pray for hope beyond what is possible and for freedom from old chains, for me and her.
On an unrelated note, i have decided to start caring more. For a long time now i didn't care about anything really. Not out of a lack of motivation but a pure desire to not care about anything at all. So as a challenge to myself, I'm blogging. Asking for prayers and sharing things here that i care about and reflecting on what these things mean to me.
1. Learning new music is always fun for me. For as long as I have been playing I have wanted to play and write music with my friends. Now I have the opportunity to do so and praise God for the chance. Something i have prayed for and has been a desire of my heart for a long time. Please pray that my head stay in it for the right reasons and that I always glorify God first with this gift he has given me.
2. Settle. That word just bothers me. I feel like thats a word that people use to make them feel better about a decision they made that they dont really like. I feel like settling is something people do when they want the easy way out. I have made it my goal to never just settle. Never settle in my relationships with people, at my work, in my walk with the Lord, or in my music. She has so much going for her and is so beautiful, i just wish some how she could see that. Somehow she would realize that you dont have to live with old mistakes and bad habits, the Lord will rise you up over those things and free you from them if you ask, instead of ..settling for them. Pray for hope beyond what is possible and for freedom from old chains, for me and her.
4.13.2009
Turning leaves over, or something like that.
Someone once said "You have no direction in your life". Another person also once said... "scooby scooby roo". My point is that people say things and they usually dont mean anything. Not that the person saying it didnt mean something but more that the words, the words carry no meaning. The words "You have no direction in your life" amounts to the same as if they would have said "Scrabby pappy ding dong".
Why. why am i quoting gibberish in my new blog? Because I can, ok? deal with it. Why so i constantly feel like a bleeding Hatchet wound? Thats an excellent question. I should probably stop trying to juggle them with my bible. Hypocritical huh? im seeing that now too unfortunately. I apologize if this is tough to follow, im feeling like these random things are coming up in my head but they all revolve around the same subject. Me. Me and my inability to produce anything of worth (at least for the last 2 years) with this suitcase of flesh i carry around. I feel like that is coming to an end now and that i am finally going to be used for something that might make a difference in someones life. I am finally able to express myself in an outlet that allows me to be totally creative and do what i want to do. It allows me to express what i have been feeling in my chest and in the pit of my stomach, allows me to express the burning in my lungs and the sweat on my head and the passion i feel when i hear the collection of vibrations and overdriven melodies....
My life is not over. I will be dammed that she will ever get the best of me. I will make sure i make a difference in this world. They will all hear me. but its not really me is it.... get ready.
Why. why am i quoting gibberish in my new blog? Because I can, ok? deal with it. Why so i constantly feel like a bleeding Hatchet wound? Thats an excellent question. I should probably stop trying to juggle them with my bible. Hypocritical huh? im seeing that now too unfortunately. I apologize if this is tough to follow, im feeling like these random things are coming up in my head but they all revolve around the same subject. Me. Me and my inability to produce anything of worth (at least for the last 2 years) with this suitcase of flesh i carry around. I feel like that is coming to an end now and that i am finally going to be used for something that might make a difference in someones life. I am finally able to express myself in an outlet that allows me to be totally creative and do what i want to do. It allows me to express what i have been feeling in my chest and in the pit of my stomach, allows me to express the burning in my lungs and the sweat on my head and the passion i feel when i hear the collection of vibrations and overdriven melodies....
My life is not over. I will be dammed that she will ever get the best of me. I will make sure i make a difference in this world. They will all hear me. but its not really me is it.... get ready.
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